It’s a common complaint from married folks, couples living together, and even those who are dating: S/he wants to, s/he doesn’t want to. Well, actually, you both might want to, but one or both of you just isn’t feeling good about it right then…
Baring any big relationship deal breaker issues, this matter of seemingly incompatible moods usually boils down to three things: timing, transitions, and familiarity.
Timing is a big issue, especially for heterosexual couples, due to practical & biological issues. He wakes up with morning wood, proof of high testosterone levels, ready to start his day with a “Bang!”; and we women prefer to end our days with sex, then drift off to sleep with satisfied grins on our faces. (Plus, it spares us the oozy mess in our panties, which occurs even when condoms are used, thankyourverymuch.)
If this basic bodily biology seems ‘off,’ consider too yet that (typically) men require sex to feel close and committed to their partners while women (again typically) require emotional intimacy & commitment in order to have sex. Men & women, we’re sort of automatically out of sync.
And then there’s our lives…
It’s difficult to transition from workmate to soul mate, from mom to playmate, from exhausted caretaker of everyone to a being focused on your own pleasure; but that’s what you need to do.
Our days are spent in frantic pursuit of career goals & family duties, manifests broken down into smaller to digest day planners & to-do lists — even our social activities are often commitments of conscience, feeling more like obligations than relaxation — and as a result, we are stressed-out and tired. We may fantasize about sex, but have it? Nu-huh. That’s less sleep.
Plus there’s the whole feeling sexy… We just don’t feel very desirable.
That goes for men and women both. Typically, when he feels ineffective at work, his libido drops. Women, on the other hand, fear that the beauty shortcuts which have saved us time in making ourselves presentable enough to the world at large have left us with “gross” things, such as hairy legs & next-day hair, which will unhappy discoveries in intimate settings — things that will turn him off, if not forever, than at least leaving us rejected at that moment. And that hurts.
The Problem With Familiarity
The familiarity of having so much history & contact with one another often changes our response to one another. It’s not that familiarity breeds contempt, or that we necessarily become bored with one another; but in our fitting the other person into our lives we continue to live our lives — including all the work and commitments we have.
We have to sort of put that flush of romance a bit to the side to function. And that includes ignoring or subduing that erotic thrill we feel when we lay down to sleep by our partner’s side. Once you train yourself to bypass the thrill of laying beside the man (or woman) your bod is aching to love — just so that you can sleep in order to function the next day — it can be difficult to flip the switch back to “on” again.
With all of this buzzing around in our heads, and the natural but nearly opposite body rhythms, it’s no wonder we have difficulty getting in the mood at the same time. But it’s important to note that is natural, common — and that none of this is personal.
But in light of all this, how can you relax and fan those smoldering flames into the heat of passion again? Stick around for part two and you’ll see!