A conversation with Ted, an old college friend of mine, over wine this past holiday weekend:
Ted: So she asks me if I’d be interested in a threesome.
Me: And you?
Ted: Well, when I thought it was us and a girl, sure — but a guy?
Ted: No, I’m not; I don’t care what two guys do as long as I’m not one of them.
Me: The fact that you’d do with a girl but not a guy is the very definition of homophobia.
Ted: No. I just don’t get it — why would she want that?
Me: Why would you do it with two girls?
Ted: Duh. It’s a classic male fantasy.
Me: So there’s your answer.
Ted: Seriously, does it mean she’s unhappy with our sex life — with me?
Me: Is that why you fantasize about two chicks?
Me: Well, then why do you assume her answer is any different?
Ted: ‘Cuz girls don’t fantasize like that. …Do they?
Me: I can’t speak for all women, but why not? Why can’t women have that fantasy?
Ted: Well, if she’s wanting two… I can’t provide that. So she must be disappointed. At some level. Right?
Me: Just like you’re disappointed with only two breasts and just one hoo-ha.
Ted: I’m not disappointed with ‘normal’ – just open to more. I’m an open person.
Me: Uh. Yeah. That’s what you are. Homophobe.
Ted: Stop that.
Me: You stop it.
Ted: From the sound of things, I’d have little to do with the guy… It’s pretty much all about her. And that’s my point — if she’s so interested in having another guy, where does that leave things between us?
Me: Did you try asking her?
Ted: I asked her how long she’s been thinking about it…
Me: Well, that’s not quite the same thing as asking her ‘why.’
Ted: I figured I’d find out if the idea predates our dating.
Ted: And it’s recent. Which proves something’s wrong. Or missing… Disappointing her somehow…
Me: I can’t speak for Missy. Or your sex skills.
Ted: I thought she was happy.
Me: She likely is. Why else would she trust you to come to you with a fantasy?
Ted: A fantasy to make up for some inadequacy on my part.
Me: Oh. My. Gawd. You seriously think that she wants a threesome with you two and some other dude because you’re sexually inadequate — but you believe you’re normal for wanting her and another chick “just cuz”. That’s sad, man. Very sad.
Ted: That’s not what I said; you’re mixing things all up.
Me: Am I really now. OK, so you boil it down to a sentence or two.
Ted: Men wanting two women is normal; women wanting two men isn’t. You chicks are all monogamous & shit.
Me: So now you think something’s wrong with her…
Ted: Well, maybe not “wrong” but she’s looking for something more than I can give.
Me: No. She’s asked you to give her the fantasy; you can give her want she wants. You just won’t deliver it.
Ted remains silent.
Me: Would she give you your fantasy — if you asked for it?
Ted: She said she’d give the two-girl scenario a go, as a trade for her threesome idea. She said we could do mine first if it made me more comfortable.
Me: Well, there you have it.
Ted: Have what?
Me: The fact that you’re a putz. Sounds like she’s offering something pretty special — for the both of you — and you’re busy looking the gift horse in the mouth. I mean if either of you were opposed to threesomes period, then end of conversation; but she’s willing to give you what you want if you give her what she wants. Why are you sitting here talking to me when you could be screening partners?
Ted: Because if I’m so sexually disappointing to her, why would I let another guy see that?
Me: Or disappoint the other girl.
Ted: Well, that’s not likely!
Me: So which is it: Are you sexually disappointing or aren’t you?
Ted: I’m fine — I’m damn fine!
Me: Well, then why are we talking about all of this.
Ted: You’re no help at all.
Me: The kind of help you need, Ted, you are refusing. All you really want me to say is what you want to hear — that of course she’s disappointed, that she’s a bitch and that you should end it with her. That way you can avoid having to deal with your feelings of inadequacy, your intimacy issues — which clearly extend beyond Missy, by the way, and continue to be a selfish bastard with a sex fantasy of two women. A fantasy, which, by the way, will live on only in your head because you’re too afraid to actually do anything about it. Unless you pay for such services anyway–
Ted: Hey! I don’t need to pay for sex!
Me: You’ve got that partly right. You probably wouldn’t pay for sex — but you’d need to if you’re ever to get your fantasy, because, Ted, you are one screwed-up man.
Ted: You really think that’s what I’m doing here?
Me: It’s a classic scapegoat move; one you’ve used before.
Ted: So she could just really have a fantasy…
Me: That’s what I’ve been saying. But you really should ask her.
Ted: Yeah, maybe I’ll do that.
A pause while we both sip our wine.
Ted (laughing and with a twinkle in his eye): So would you, ah, join us? Missy & I, that is?
Me: Ah, no. Thanks, but I make it a point never to screw guys as messed up as you.