In response to my “Helping You Get In The Mood” Contest, Violet writes in:
I have the opposite problem — I’m always ready and my husband’s never ever in the mood.
I’ve tried all the crappy magazine suggestions and the tips from your readers in response to your contest, but all I have is more rejection.
Any ideas besides spiking his coffee with little blue pills disguised as sugar cubes?
Violet, your situation is not as unique as you might think — frustrating & painful, yes; but it’s not rare for women to have, err, blue ovaries.
First, I’m hoping you read this — and this. Because that will save us all some time & ovary-ache.
Second, please consider having hubby get a check-up — and not just for the plumbing & physical parts, but for depression & other mental health issues. One of the most typical signs from men who are struggling with anxiety &/or depression issues is a lack of interest in sex. (Over) simply put, they do not feel worthy of having sex. It’s the emotional equivalent of women packing on the pounds (whether depressed or not) whereby males think they are not “masculine” enough in terms of “success” etc.
However, if hubby passes such screenings & is otherwise fine, the honest to gawd’s truth is the exact opposite of what most women’s & men’s mags tell you.
Cover text screams that men want sexually aggressive women — but that’s a lie. A big fat stinking lie.
At least for some men.
“Aggressive” should not be confused with “confidence”; confidence is sexy period, no matter the person or the gender. But when it comes to making the moves, giving out the sexual invitations, many men (unless they are into Dominatrix scenarios) literally shrink from sexual offers, Violet.
And it’s not just about the pressure to perform; it’s about a perception of your sexual value.
I know I’m going to get a bunch of men (and women) telling me this is BS. But please spare me your anecdotal evidence; I’ve got my own & I raise you some basic evolutionary evidence.
Men are hunters, providers; they are the risk-taking, chest-beating victors to whom the sexual spoils go because they have won. In this case, they’ve won “the woo” so they get to bed you.
Now, when you, female of the species, are on the sexual hunt yourself — especially when you are living with them or are otherwise sexually available to them — men no longer have to work, woo or win you & your favors. They lose interest because there is a shift (in their perception) of your value.
If you think I’m nuts, ask yourself why so many men are led around like bulls with rings in their noses by spoiled princess-types who demand trinkets or deeds in order to put out.
Some men just have to work for it in order for it to be any good.
Some women think, instinctively, that they can ignite more heat with a few sparks of jealousy; but don’t do it. Even if it works in the short-term, it’s eventually likely to garner you additional issues to sort out — and doesn’t he already have enough reasons not to go to bed with you? Let’s not add insecurities about your faithfulness to the mix. Not to mention that he might feel it’s fair game now for him to go after those other birds rather than your bush…
No, the best way to increase your sexual value & “up” his desire, is to have him think it’s all his idea — that he’s worked for “it” or talked you into “it.”
For starters, just stop asking, hinting, insinuating and throwing yourself at him. I don’t mean become a cold mean bitch; just make yourself a little less obviously available… Instead of suggesting sex (verbally or by lounging naked in Saran-wrap), just relax.
It may mean dialing down your sex drive — pushing it out of your mind so that you aren’t watching the clock, expecting that since 15 minutes (or a two days) has passed, that he out to be lunging at you by now. And if you are having difficulty doing that, let me remind you that May is Masturbation Month. Spend some quality time with yourself — it will relax you in any case. (He’s likely doing it — otherwise how does he manage to function? If he’s not, I’d really drag him in for medical care — seriously.)
Generally speaking, a few days or weeks maybe and most men find themselves thinking of you in that way… From there, you’ll likely find a balance for yourself between “aggressive” and “willing” that won’t feel like game-playing.
If you honestly have dialed down your sexual pursuit of him and he’s still just not that willing to get into you, then seek counseling. Because something’s just not right.
Agh, I totally agree with your advice, as much as I wish the whole evolutionary psychology hunter-gatherer thing weren’t true. And, btw, I think that the misconception exists that men want aggressive women because they confuse “sexually aggressive” with “sexually available.” We project masculine traits onto women who enjoy sex because our culture doesn’t leave a lot of room for women to be feminine and sexually active.
Now how are we going to change that?