When He’s (Sexually) Shrinking From You, Violet

In response to my “Helping You Get In The Mood” Contest, Violet writes in:

Hey, Alessia,

I have the opposite problem — I’m always ready and my husband’s never ever in the mood.

I’ve tried all the crappy magazine suggestions and the tips from your readers in response to your contest, but all I have is more rejection.

Any ideas besides spiking his coffee with little blue pills disguised as sugar cubes?

Thanks,
Violet

Violet, your situation is not as unique as you might think — frustrating & painful, yes; but it’s not rare for women to have, err, blue ovaries.

First, I’m hoping you read this — and this. Because that will save us all some time & ovary-ache.

Second, please consider having hubby get a check-up — and not just for the plumbing & physical parts, but for depression & other mental health issues. One of the most typical signs from men who are struggling with anxiety &/or depression issues is a lack of interest in sex. (Over) simply put, they do not feel worthy of having sex. It’s the emotional equivalent of women packing on the pounds (whether depressed or not) whereby males think they are not “masculine” enough in terms of “success” etc.

However, if hubby passes such screenings & is otherwise fine, the honest to gawd’s truth is the exact opposite of what most women’s & men’s mags tell you.

Cover text screams that men want sexually aggressive women — but that’s a lie. A big fat stinking lie.

At least for some men.

“Aggressive” should not be confused with “confidence”; confidence is sexy period, no matter the person or the gender. But when it comes to making the moves, giving out the sexual invitations, many men (unless they are into Dominatrix scenarios) literally shrink from sexual offers, Violet.

And it’s not just about the pressure to perform; it’s about a perception of your sexual value.

I know I’m going to get a bunch of men (and women) telling me this is BS. But please spare me your anecdotal evidence; I’ve got my own & I raise you some basic evolutionary evidence.

Men are hunters, providers; they are the risk-taking, chest-beating victors to whom the sexual spoils go because they have won. In this case, they’ve won “the woo” so they get to bed you.

Now, when you, female of the species, are on the sexual hunt yourself — especially when you are living with them or are otherwise sexually available to them — men no longer have to work, woo or win you & your favors. They lose interest because there is a shift (in their perception) of your value.

If you think I’m nuts, ask yourself why so many men are led around like bulls with rings in their noses by spoiled princess-types who demand trinkets or deeds in order to put out.

Some men just have to work for it in order for it to be any good.

Some women think, instinctively, that they can ignite more heat with a few sparks of jealousy; but don’t do it. Even if it works in the short-term, it’s eventually likely to garner you additional issues to sort out — and doesn’t he already have enough reasons not to go to bed with you? Let’s not add insecurities about your faithfulness to the mix. Not to mention that he might feel it’s fair game now for him to go after those other birds rather than your bush…

No, the best way to increase your sexual value & “up” his desire, is to have him think it’s all his idea — that he’s worked for “it” or talked you into “it.”

How?

For starters, just stop asking, hinting, insinuating and throwing yourself at him. I don’t mean become a cold mean bitch; just make yourself a little less obviously available… Instead of suggesting sex (verbally or by lounging naked in Saran-wrap), just relax.

It may mean dialing down your sex drive — pushing it out of your mind so that you aren’t watching the clock, expecting that since 15 minutes (or a two days) has passed, that he out to be lunging at you by now. And if you are having difficulty doing that, let me remind you that May is Masturbation Month. Spend some quality time with yourself — it will relax you in any case. (He’s likely doing it — otherwise how does he manage to function? If he’s not, I’d really drag him in for medical care — seriously.)

Generally speaking, a few days or weeks maybe and most men find themselves thinking of you in that way…  From there, you’ll likely find a balance for yourself between “aggressive” and “willing” that won’t feel like game-playing.

If you honestly have dialed down your sexual pursuit of him and he’s still just not that willing to get into you, then seek counseling. Because something’s just not right.

From “The Cosmo Creeps Me Out Files”…

In the June 2009 issue of Cosmo (you know, that magazine I neither subscribe to, nor like), the perplexing page that is number 98, titled “Fun Fearless Female,” a Q & A about T & A with Anna Paquin:

Now, if this page were in Maxim, I could kind of get it… And if Cosmo actually addressed lesbians, I could kind of get it — up until the last bit of Q & A anyway.

Is there anything you wish guys understood about women?

No, because then they’d be girls. It would take away half of what women talk about.

First of all, Cosmo, why does a (supposed) women’s magazine care about offering advice to men about women?

And second of all, Anna, I don’t know anything about you & your friends… But speaking for myself and my friends, we’d rather talk about — and listen to — pretty much anything else other than “my man doesn’t understand me.”

But that’s not the really creepy part.

As captioned by Anna’s photo, a quote from Ms. Paquin:

What’s so endearing about boys is that they’re so different from us — we’re not all wired the same.

Um, Anna, it’s really & truly creepy when a grown woman (and your age is listed as 26, so if anything, you’ve shaved a few years off that number) refers to possible male relationship candidates as “boys.”

How To Talk About Vh1’s Tough Love Season End — Without Vomiting

It’s been days since Tough Love ended & I’ve been meaning to write a wrap-up post about the show, but honestly, I’m really sick of the Ward/Vh1 mess and don’t want to give them any more promotion to the attention-seeking hair pulling bad boys of television. The only reason I’ve continued to reply to comments (and repeat myself ad nauseum) is because the matter of societal judgment — and the many inaccuracies thereof — still matters to me.

But that issue is waaayyy bigger than this show and I think it’s time the conversation turned to look at this issue (and related issues of violence against women) from a different view point (soap box).

However, I would like to make the following, short, statements about the program.

* The show had a marvelous opportunity with the episode in which Arian’s mom was on. Not only at the “dinner party,” but in the conversation between Arian’s mom, Steve, and Steve’s mom. But while they edited the footage to include mention of Steve’s infamous statement, they did nothing to address it. Instead…

* Absurd judgmental focus was put on the “inappropriate” relationship between Arian and her mother. Now I can appreciate that not everyone is as open about things, let alone sex, with their parent; and I can accept that the Wards do not talk about sex — or at least not that way. But isn’t being as open with your parents about sex as you are with your friends (and the world on a TV show!) a really honest thing –something to be admired? You may disagree with Arian’s focus on (& attitudes towards) sex, but would you really prefer Arian pretended to be someone she’s not with her mother? I think that’s a testament to the “goodness” of their relationship. I know I talk to my parents the way I do to my friends about sex — and while I’m not as “out there” as Arian, I’m sure Ward’s mom would “upside the head me” (as she gestured, I believe) for the way I talk. They don’t seem very open about or even fond of sex. (I guess these Wards are too soft on The Beaver?) So much for accepting people & their relationships; if we’re not the Wards, we’re not “good.”

* Is it wrong of me to take a perverse sense of happiness that Ward’s “tough love” resulted in relationship failures? If so, sue me. I’d feel bad for the women involved — if A) the show weren’t a trainwreck and the women actually participated in “after the boot camp” interviews at the end of the last show… Since they didn’t, I smell something fishier than Mrs Ward’s unused taco.

* I guess there’s going to be a season two. I won’t be watching. Unless there are some major changes — and after all the people I’ve talked with, I don’t see that happening.

UDATE: For anyone willing to put themselves into the fryin’ pan of Steve Ward’s Tough Love, they are casting — men and women.

Your Mr. Right May Be Out To Sea

The Emmy & Peabody-award-winning company that produces Project Runway, Top Chef, and other top notch shows, Magical Elves, is currently working on and casting a new documentary series (read: reality television series) for a major television network “about marriage and people looking to get married” — specifically to find a suitor for a “handsome, tall, successful, and charismatic adventurer who is ready to settle down.”

Our chosen guy is a boat captain and dive instructor who frequents the Bahamas and absolutely loves the ocean. He is kind, funny and genuinely hoping to find his better half. Could it be you?

We’re looking for females who fit the following:

30-45 years old
physically fit / active
spiritual
liberal minded
pet friendly
Non-smoker
social
Intellectual
Outdoor / Adventurous
Must love water

Participants with children under 18 will not be considered at this time.

You know it’s all about the ratings-matings game here, more than true love, right? If you’re into that kind of abuse you can apply here, or to Magic Elves directly. (Please tell them Alessia of Relationship Underarm Stick sent you!)

If you wonder just who applies to these sorts of things, you can vote on casting applicants here.

PS Don’t forget to enter my contest!

The “Helping You Get In The Mood” Contest

k-y-brand-intense-arousal-gel-for-women Thanks to the makers of K-Y Brand, I’m giving away 5 full-sized tubes of K-Y® Brand INTENSE™– the female arousal gel scientifically shown to enhance female pleasure, arousal and satisfaction during intimacy.

If you read my review, you know that I not only liked the product, but said that a little dab of K-Y Brand Intense Arousal Gel For Her there will do more for you & your romantic sex life than that perfume you dab behind your ears.

If you want a chance to prove it to yourself, just leave me a comment telling me what other tips, tricks &/or products you’ve tried to help you and your partner get in the mood at the same time — and be sure to let us know which ones work!

(Try to keep it at or below an an ‘R’ rating, ladies!)

Fine Print: This contest is open to US residents of the contiguous 48 states who are over 18 years of age only; entries must be dated on or before midnight, May 19, 2009. I’ll draw & announce the five winners at random on May 20, 2009.

When You Are Surprised To Find A Relationship Deal Breaker After Three Years Of Dating

Ashley writes in with a personal problem stemming from the Steve Ward/Vh1 mess:

Hi Alessia,

I’ve been following along with the Steve Ward fiasco (what a piece of work that jerk is!) and I wonder what you think of the situation that I now find myself in…

While I was drafting my letters of outrage, my boyfriend of 3 years (you can call him Bob lol) came on over. Because I was feeling pretty intense about things, when he greeted me with the casual, “Whatcha doin’?” I actually answered him. I told him of Ward’s hurtful stupidity, the lack of concern on the parts of show producers etc., and my overwhelming grief to discover (via reading all the comments etc.) just how widely held & deeply rooted such irrational beliefs are in our world.

At first I thought Bob’s lack of concern over the situation was because he hadn’t seen the show and maybe he thought I twisted the words… So I sat him at the computer and ordered him to read. But when he read, he wasn’t as outraged as I had thought he would be.

Not only did he not share my opinions, but he started to argue Ward’s side!

Now, after years of dating I was shocked! I mean we’ve discussed rape and violence towards women (and children too) and he’s always seemed educated, concerned for women’s safety and nearly apologetic in that male way of like “I can’t believe there are men who would do that.” So I was flabbergasted that Bob would hold Arian or any women accountable for what a man or men do.

I want to rant on & on about this, but you’ve covered the issue really well and I know I’m preaching to the choir, so I’ll get to the problem here. ;)

After three years of dating we’ve been talking marriage. (The only reason we aren’t officially engaged is the money thing — until I get to the next level at work, I’m still not able to afford an apartment of my own which is something I insist upon doing before I marry.) But now that I see that Bob is holding onto some archaic, dangerous, misogynistic and mean victim blaming beliefs, I just don’t know…

I sent him away that day and our conversations since then have mostly been short. Anytime the elephant on the phone line is mentioned, we just end up debating at best, arguing at worst.

Bob thinks I’m over reacting; I should know after three years that he’s a good guy. But I can’t get past the fact that good guys don’t ever excuse the behavior of bad guys — let alone hold the victims responsible for what the bad guys do.

I still love him… Otherwise this wouldn’t hurt so much. But I don’t trust him the way I used to — and I’ve lost some respect for him. I think, as hard as it will be, that I need to end things with him.

Am I being overly sensitive? Am I irrational or otherwise sabotaging a good relationship for a small thing?

Biting my nails with anxiety & heartache while I await your reply,
Ashley

Dear Ashley,

I probably should say that I’m sorry my blogging has disrupted your relationship with Bob — but I can’t honestly say that.

I’m sorry to hear that Bob’s not the good guy you thought he was, but,see, from where I sit, I think you are better off for making this discovery now. Even three years of dating in is better than making this discovery after three years of marriage & building a family. That’s what dating is for, to learn all you can about one another.

I don’t think I even have anything to tell you that you don’t already know…

You know that if trust and respect for your partner diminishes you are faced with two choices: Work it out, with compromise & communication (maybe some counseling), or walk away safely.*

And there are some things we just can’t compromise on.

This situation is not purely one of political difference, like say gun control, where you might compromise by owning a gun but keeping it in a locked gun safe in the garage or something– and by knowing that each of your votes cancels-out the other’s vote.

This is far more than theory, philosophy, or ideals; this is a fundamental framework of every day living. It’s a matter of freedom, equality & safety because, as you know, even if Bob is not personally a threat to you or others, he insists upon perpetuating an environment which places women with the responsibility to control male behaviors — and when that (obviously & maddeningly ridiculously) doesn’t work, he leaves victims to suffer the guilt & blame.

Heaven forbid any violence should ever befall you or someone you love, Ashley (knocking wood!) — but given the odds… How would you cope or assist another survivor in their recovery with Bob at your side? Even if his mouth never uttered a blaming sentence, you’d see it, feel it.

Whether or not you & Bob should have children of your own, building a family between yourselves involves each of your extended families and you community of friends. Can you live with Bob passing along his views about the responsibilities women (or potential victims) have to control the behaviors of rapists and abusers to your nieces & nephews, your friends’ children?

You know Bob’s views help shape our world; and you’ve clearly said that his views help shape a world you don’t want to (continue to) live in. So you know what the math is: If Bob can’t be educated out of this, you’re better off living without him. There’s no sense in living in a toxic relationship.

This is definitely a relationship deal breaker.

In the interest of fairness to your relationship with Bob, and your heart, you owe it to yourselves to communicate this as plainly as you can to Bob.

Wherever the chips fall, I wish you well.

Alessia

* Note how when a human being has less respect for another human being, that the first human is not entitled to hurt, abuse or force the less-respected human to do whatever they want.

Follow Up On Tough Love Rape Stance

If you’ve been living under a rock and somehow missed the slimy activities going on with Steve Ward and VH1’s Tough Love show…

It starts here, with Giving Steve Ward & VH1 Some Tough Love Of My Own, continues with More On Moron Steve Ward & The Rape Issue & Mommy, Make The Bad Man Stop, and, frustrated with all that, I then directed you to contact the producers etc.

I’ve been contacting them all, one by one, and thought you might be interested in my progress…

First I contacted Flower Films, the commercial film production company founded by Drew Barrymore & Nancy Juvonen which is a partner in Tough Love‘s production. If you thought for just one moment that being “woman owned” would make the company receptive to this issue of blaming women for rape you’d be dead wrong.

During a phone conversation last week, with a woman who refused to give her name, I was told that “all complaints/comments are to be posted to VH1’s blog.” When I explained that this had been done, but Ward was only continuing his misogynistic statements, I was told, “We read the blogs, we are aware.” I’ll admit, that set me back a bit, so I countered with a, “Don’t you wish to make a public statement to at least clarify Flower Films’ views — to separate them from those of Ward?” Her reply was to say that there would be “no statement on the subject” and I was dismissed.

Can you feel my hackles rise?

Grrrr.

Next I contacted the other production partner in the making of the show, High Noon Entertainment “one of America’s largest creators of unscripted television.”

There I spoke with Paul Taylor, Executive In Charge Of Production, who began by plainly & dismissively informing me that they had “been in touch with their legal department and they were protected.” Because, you know, the litigious are all they ought to be worried about.

I countered by restating my concerns for the perpetuation of misogynistic rape mythology; he countered with, “Well, you know, VH1 is a controversial network…”

So profiting from dangerous myth-information is a-OK?

Ready to spew (both anger and vomit), I thought about High Noon Entertainment’s primary concern regarding legal action… They have a legal team & they know how to use it — which is not the case for victims of rape. That smug “been in touch with legal & we’re protected” line…

Well, if that was their line then I was going to jerk it.

So I told Mr. Taylor that next on my list was to inform those involved in the federal lawsuit regarding trademark infringement, trademark dilution and related claims against MTV Networks, Drew Barrymore’s Flower Films and High Noon Entertainment based on the unauthorized use of the trademark “Tough Love,” of which Toughlove America is the exclusive licensee. (See details here.) He interrupted, countering with noise about how unfounded the lawsuit was — so I interrupted right back with an, “Oh, given that the lawsuit expressly states a desire to collect damages for the harm being done to their brand by the show’s use of the name, I imagine that they’d be interested to know just how many of us are now associating the phrase “tough love” with blaming rape victims.”

Now I had more of Paul’s attention. He wasn’t quite conceding anything, mind you, but he was now actively asking questions, such as my name, my telephone number, and the name and location of this blog. (I cooperated fully — and I totally welcome any further contact, should it occur.)

Feeling that perhaps he had moved past the party-line deafness and that he might just hear me now, I reiterated my concerns about Ward’s statements especially in light of the interviews Ward has done. In the interviews since the show aired and we responded, he’s defending his beliefs, not budging an inch; antagonizing, not apologizing.

Either Taylor began to hear my concerns or he’s just really good at the old “neutralize a complainer by being a good listener” thing because we ended the call with Taylor informing me that he would share my concerns but, due to a staff wedding that week, I likely wouldn’t hear from anyone until this week.

Not that I’m holding my breath.

But I will call back, Mr. Taylor, to see just what High Noon Entertainment intends to do about this mess Steve Ward has gotten them into.

And when I do, I’ll share it with you. As I will all my contact with those involved with this issue.

Now I have to go puke. Again.

Getting In The Mood — At The Same Time Your Partner Is

So, if you read part one, you know that the problems with getting in the mood for sex with your partner — especially both of you being in the mood at the same time — are relatively normal and they are not to be taken personally. What can you do about it?

Couples are often told to make “date time” with our spouses and partners — you know, schedule romantic dinners, go to the movies, do something “just the two of you.” I can tell you that this may sound wonderful — but too-too often it becomes just another thing to do. Ugh. Instead of whistling happily as you shave & get dressed, you find yourself groaning & grimacing as you glance at the clock, calculating how much time you don’t have to be “date perfect,” thinking about what other things you could be getting done — and wondering just how long this date’s supposed to last anyway… Instead of being relaxing & romantic, it all just becomes another obligation.

And then you worry, “If this is supposed to be ‘romantic,’ are you going to have to put out too?” That can add to the stress & obligatory feelings; there’s a pressure to perform — on both sides. Ending up in a tangle of guilt & resentment — often coming from ourselves, not our partners — which pulls us away from one another rather than pulling us in closer.

I think people should take a night or time off, as often as they can, to reconnect as a couple, but it’s easier said than done.

First of all, you’re going to have to make a commitment to intimacy with your partner. You’re going to have to make it a priority — equal to the other things on your to-do list — and have a positive attitude about it. Don’t do it grudgingly; look forward to it. Change your attitude about yourself and your partner — commit to this time because you deserve it.

Work towards creating time & space to romantically connect — without placing pressure on yourselves. Maybe that means staying home, turning off the phones (yup, cells too), and watching a DVD together. Maybe it means going to a restaurant, luxuriating in a leisurely meal & talking. Maybe it means having a date but putting sex off for another time — like make promises for a nooner the next day.

Seriously. It’s one of the best ways to jump-start your libidos.

Don’t act so surprised; the quickie can be the hot follow-up to the emotionally intimate conversation, a passionate act that reminds you both of when you were so hot for one another that you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Scheduling a quickie can also be a great way to increase aroused anticipation. Anticipation can be a great arousal for women. And for men, who might be feeling they get mixed signals (like mistaking your sleepy morning kiss as a sexual invitation, only to get rejected and have that hurt & frustration make them feel any advances are unwanted) the nooner appointment will let them know that it’s “on” for real. In short, a scheduled nooner (after you’ve reconnected emotionally) is like a literal “heads up” *wink*

But once you’ve set aside time for your dates & quickies, how can you relax and forget about bills, work, kids, obligations left unfulfilled… And look forward to sex as a satisfying thrill, not another something to put on your to-do list… How can you really want it?

Some folks say a glass of wine or a cocktail helps. But as my friend Karla says, “Having a drink or two doesn’t help. Sure, it relaxes me & gets me ready for bed — but it’s in that ‘tuck me in, I’m snoring already’ sort of a way. So not sexy.” So know your limits or skip the alcohol and stay awake.

Some folks, especially women, say it helps to take a nap, get a manicure, or otherwise spend some other relaxing luxurious “me time” that makes them feel female (or at least human) again.

My friend Sara says that having a pizza delivered helps to set the mood too. “There’s no rushing around to make dinner or clean-up after it and it brings back memories too — no, not of funny porno film scenarios, but of those early dating days when we were too hot for each other to want to leave the apartment.”

All these things may help you relax, but what if you feel more inclined to cuddle and sleep than do the deed?

While there are many products and appliances to enhance male arousal, there’s been little offered in the way of of such help for women. Until now.

k-y-brand-intense-arousal-gel-for-womenThe makers of K-Y Brand sent me a preview full-sized sample of INTENSE™— a female arousal gel scientifically shown to enhance female pleasure, arousal and satisfaction during intimacy. According to the lit sent with the product, “75% of women in consumer studies experienced heightened arousal, sexual pleasure and sensitivity…where it counts most.”

It sounded yummy, but I thought, “Really now,” as I clicked my tongue with the jaded sophistication of the all-knowing woman who has been disappointed before. But I had agreed to test it, and I’m not one to shirk my responsibilities — Heh heh. Plus, I had a reason to invite hubby for sex — I mean, we support each other in our work, ya know? *wink*

So we gave the K-Y Brand INTENSE™ Arousal Gel a test drive. He pumped just a small drop out of the dispenser bottle, and applied it to my most intimate parts…

Then I felt it, cool & tingly, like peppermint — and very reminiscent of the arousal of our early days, when I couldn’t wait for him to touch me… There. That tingle was amazing!

It was fun, for sure, but quickly my ability to concentrate on the product — or anything else — evaporated as I got lost in *ahem* everything else. Afterwards I realized that this product might work really well as a quick pick-me up — you know, dab a bit on myself before he came home for our nooner date… Be ready & waiting before I even saw him… So I decided to give that a try too.

It worked! I had the emotional anticipation and the tingle, which made the quickie all the more satisfying.

And that means that if you feel that there isn’t time for all the foreplay that you need, or in that spot you need, INTENSE™ may help. There’s the application massage time & the increased sensation — which increases the pleasure of natural movements during sex, even if your love button isn’t being directly manipulated.

So I highly recommend adding K-Y Brand Intense Arousal Gel For Her to your sex life — and to consider adding a little dab to yourself to get fresh fresh-en up before your special time with your partner. I guarantee that this little dab there will do more for you than that perfume you dab behind your ears. *wink*

Trouble Getting In The Mood? Or In The Mood When Your Partner Is?

It’s a common complaint from married folks, couples living together, and even those who are dating: S/he wants to, s/he doesn’t want to. Well, actually, you both might want to, but one or both of you just isn’t feeling good about it right then…

Baring any big relationship deal breaker issues, this matter of seemingly incompatible moods usually boils down to three things: timing, transitions, and familiarity.

Timing Issues

Timing is a big issue, especially for heterosexual couples, due to practical & biological issues. He wakes up with morning wood, proof of high testosterone levels, ready to start his day with a “Bang!”; and we women prefer to end our days with sex, then drift off to sleep with satisfied grins on our faces. (Plus, it spares us the oozy mess in our panties, which occurs even when condoms are used, thankyourverymuch.)

If this basic bodily biology seems ‘off,’ consider too yet that (typically) men require sex to feel close and committed to their partners while women (again typically) require emotional intimacy & commitment in order to have sex. Men & women, we’re sort of automatically out of sync.

And then there’s our lives…

Transition Problems

It’s difficult to transition from workmate to soul mate, from mom to playmate, from exhausted caretaker of everyone to a being focused on your own pleasure; but that’s what you need to do.

Our days are spent in frantic pursuit of career goals & family duties, manifests broken down into smaller to digest day planners & to-do lists — even our social activities are often commitments of conscience, feeling more like obligations than relaxation — and as a result, we are stressed-out and tired. We may fantasize about sex, but have it? Nu-huh. That’s less sleep.

Plus there’s the whole feeling sexy… We just don’t feel very desirable.

That goes for men and women both. Typically, when he feels ineffective at work, his libido drops. Women, on the other hand, fear that the beauty shortcuts which have saved us time in making ourselves presentable enough to the world at large have left us with “gross” things, such as hairy legs & next-day hair, which will unhappy discoveries in intimate settings — things that will turn him off, if not forever, than at least leaving us rejected at that moment. And that hurts.

The Problem With Familiarity

The familiarity of having so much history & contact with one another often changes our response to one another. It’s not that familiarity breeds contempt, or that we necessarily become bored with one another; but in our fitting the other person into our lives we continue to live our lives — including all the work and commitments we have.

We have to sort of put that flush of romance a bit to the side to function. And that includes ignoring or subduing that erotic thrill we feel when we lay down to sleep by our partner’s side. Once you train yourself to bypass the thrill of laying beside the man (or woman) your bod is aching to love — just so that you can sleep in order to function the next day — it can be difficult to flip the switch back to “on” again.

With all of this buzzing around in our heads, and the natural but nearly opposite body rhythms, it’s no wonder we have difficulty getting in the mood at the same time.  But it’s important to note that is natural, common — and that none of this is personal.

But in light of all this, how can you relax and fan those smoldering flames into the heat of passion again? Stick around for part two and you’ll see!

Real Women, Real Sizes, Real Love — Real Casting

Fox Network, Next Entertainment in association with Warner Horizon Television, and Mike Fleiss, producer of The Bachelor, have teamed up to produce More to Love, “billed as the first “dating show for the rest of us’.” It’s promoting itself as a dating show for average folks, “Real women. Real sizes. Real love.”

“We want to send the message that you can be the size you are and still be lovable,” [Fleiss] said. “We aren’t going to thin these girls down so they can find love — that’s a backwards message.”

They are currently casting nationwide, looking for women who are curvy, beautiful, sexy, at least the age of 23 (and appear under 35) who are ready to be introduced to their soul mates — as well as America’s television viewing audience.

If you’re selected, you’ll be flown to Los Angeles to star in the show; no air date has been selected.

To apply, visit www.MoreToLoveCasting.com — or go to an open casting call at select Lane Bryant stores. Don’t forget to tell ’em Alessia of Relationship Underarm Stick sent ya!

Enough Is Enough

Now that Steve Ward & VH1 have shown us their true colors, showing indifference to concerns of misogyny and perpetuating inaccurate information which could add to the danger of women and other victims of rape, we must take action.

Before I urged you to contact VH1 via their blog and Ward at his Match Makers website, and Marge has suggested emailing VH1 at vh1blog@vh1.com; but as we’re not making enough of an impact with those methods…

Flower Films and High Noon Entertainment are partners with VH1 to produce VH1 Tough Love. High Noon Entertainment is one of America’s largest creators of unscripted television, and Flower Films is a commercial film production company founded by Drew Barrymore & Nancy Juvonen.

Here’s how you contact them:

Flower Films
7360 Santa Monica Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA 90046
USA
Phone: 323-876-7400
Fax: 323-876-7401

High Noon Entertainment
12233 W. Olympic Blvd
Ste 328
Los Angeles, CA 90064
USA
Phone: 310-820-7500
www.highnoonentertainment.com
questions@highnoontv.com

Jeff Olde is the Executive Vice President in charge of Original Programming and Production at VH1.

VH1 Television
2600 Colorado Ave.
Santa Monica, CA 90404
USA
Phn: 310-752-8000

VH1 Television
1515 Broadway
New York, NY 10036
USA
Phone: 212-846-6000

Also, Toughlove(R) America, LLC filed a lawsuit in federal court in Los Angeles on March 4th for trademark infringement, trademark dilution and related claims against MTV Networks, Drew Barrymore’s Flower Films and High Noon Entertainment based on the defendants’ unauthorized use of the trademark “Tough Love,” of which Toughlove America is the exclusive licensee.

Igal J. Feibush, the company’s CEO said, “We believe that the actions of MTV/VH1 constitute a clear violation of our federal and state intellectual property rights. We have always vigilantly protected both our mark and the integrity of our proprietary program. With this lawsuit, we intend to stop VH1 from continuing to use our name and to collect damages for the harm being done to our brand by their use of it.” Toughlove America has stopped other media companies, including Sony Corporation and News Corporation, from using its trademark.

I’m sure they’d like to know that we think the show & it’s name are linked with misogyny and rape; that ought to raise damages.

Especially as Toughlove America has plans for its own show.

Matthew Lifschultz, Partner of Toughlove America, LLC
Phone:310-749-9702
MLifschultz@Toughlove.com

William J. Robinson and Miriam Claire Beezy, partners in the Los Angeles office of Foley & Lardner LLP, are representing Toughlove America, LLC in the action:

William J. Robinson
wrobinson@foley.com
213.972.4599

Miriam Claire Beezy
mbeezy@foley.com
213.972.4780

As you can see, I’m no longer messing around; I’m furious & I’m serious.

I am working on a list of VH1 advertisers too; any/all help is appreciated — as are all your letters, emails and calls of outrage.

PS Steve Ward is also, apparently, on Twitter: @stevenbward.

Mommy, Make The Bad Man Stop

Whatever benefit of the doubt I gave to Master Matchmaker and VH1 Tough Love “commander” Steve Ward has been taken away — by Ward himself.

In an interview with some nameless VH1 bot, Ward defends the indefensible:

You said that Arian is going to end getting raped if she continues her behavior.

Yes.

You know it’s going to go down hill from there; he’s admitted that what he said wasn’t a mis-step, an ill-formed phrase, or something said quickly that “came out wrong.”

There was some talk around the Internet that your mindset was not unlike that of those who blame victims for being raped.

Well, that just goes to show how naive people are.

Wait, wait, wait; did Ward just call me naive?! I’m the one with the facts! He’s not merely “naive” or even “ignorant” — because we’ve told him, he’s got access to (at least) the same facts, experts and research as we do, yet he’s sticking with fiction. Dangerous fiction too yet.

I wasn’t blaming anybody for anything.

But, as you’ll soon see, Ward is doing just that.

I was explaining to her that there are risks to her behavior. She seems to feel that there are no consequences to her behavior. Like nothing bad can happen from her being as raunchy and as inappropriate as she was. And I was trying to explain to her that when you do things like that you put yourself in harm’s way. And there are men out there that because they are f***ed up in the head, for whatever reasons, they may take it as some sort of an invite, or that you really want it or this or that. I mean why would you sit there and rub a guy’s d*** under a table? You don’t know who he is or where he is from or what he is about. And you know what, a couple of beers later he may go try to rub you and you might not like it and he is not gonna stop. That’s all I was trying to point out them.

There are risks to her behavior — but not rape. The risks are that Arian is limiting herself, reducing her value to her looks, her body & sex. This is a pattern of behavior based on low self-esteem which will not bring her respectful relationships but continue with a parade of one-night-stands (who may be around for multiple nights, but are invested in her only as far as they are inserted in her). These are all fine issues to be discussed — and they certainly fit the context of the show and Ward’s (quickly diminishing In my eyes) expertise. However, everything else he discusses is the exact definition of blaming the victim.

This “if she, then he” line of thinking places the burden of responsibility for his (crappy) behavior upon her shoulders. He’s literally,”Hey, she asked for it.”

And I’ve got news for you; even when you are appropriate, “classy,” and “a good girl” — and even when he’s had no beers or alcohol whatsoever — he may try to rub you and you do not like it and he is not gonna stop. I know. Personally.

And that’s why there wasn’t backlash from the rest of the girls in the room, because they agreed with me.

Oh, so if everyone in the room agreed that you could fly, that would make it true?

The reason the women in the room agreed with you is because such bullshit thinking is so prevalent in our society — which is precisely why I continue to harp on this topic. I hope you all educate yourselves to the facts.

It’s time you, the women in the room, the VH1 producers, the Stepford Wives’ leaving comments in defense of your misogynist mythology, the asshats who like things the way they are, and, yes, the frightened & desperate who want to believe that such things won’t happen if they are “good” — you all need to be educated. You present a clear and present danger.

The reality, though, is that Arian wasn’t going to get raped in this situation. You’re there, cameras are there, producers are there. I wonder if there’s any suspicion that she might be playing up the salaciousness for the sake of the show.

No, I believe that she does this in her daily life. She is truly like that.

I too believe this is, more or less, Arians MO. But scaring her with lies & threatening her with violence is not the answer.

And she enjoys taking the risk and putting herself in that position. It is a very precarious situation. She doesn’t realize that there may be consequences. I’m not blaming the victim, but if the girl would act a little bit more appropriate, then I’m sure she wouldn’t be treated the way she is by men.

You are blaming the (in your eyes, potential) victim. If (desperately knocking wood!) Arian were to be raped, you’d be all, “I told you so!” and therefore not holding the rapist 100% accountable.

If she walked around like a classy woman and treated herself with respect, she would command respect and men would respect her.

I agree with you, she would command more respect — at least from non-violent, non-controlling, rapists.

With a personality like she has, why would anyone respect her? That was the point I was trying to make. She was trying to say that there were trust issues, and she doesn’t trust men. And of course, why should she trust men? Men don’t respect her.

True. But there’s a HUGE leap between men not respecting a woman, not wanting to “bring her home to mom,” and rape. I myself have not respected people who have not warranted respect — like you right now, Ward — but I’m not raping or assaulting any of them.

Honestly, Ward — and the rest of you at VH1 who refuse to correct the gross errors of your words and ways and continue to perpetuate myth-information, placing more women in danger — you make me feel violated.

And for every woman and man who feels that they must teach their daughters to “be good” so that the bad men won’t hurt them rather than addressing the issue of bad men, it’s another forced entry.

“Show mommy where the bad man touched you on this doll, honey.” I’m pointing all over, because that’s where it hurts.

And there’s no place on the doll for my soul.

You know what else? There are no, “And what did you do to the man to make him touch you,” or, “And what were you wearing,” or, “And what do you do for a living” questions when you show a child victim of rape or abuse the doll. Why not? Because it’s not ever the victim’s fault.

Ward, your statements perpetuate misogynistic mythology and generate the same sense of shame which victimizers, abusers, and rapists use to keep victims silent, docile, and in control.

You may not be raping women, Steve Ward, but you are adding to the exploitation of their shame and you are reducing the responsibility of rapists & perpetrators of abuse; things which punish victims and prevent them from receiving justice. And that just adds to the power of the rapists & abusers, creating more victims.

You, sir, are more of a threat to Arian than any “dangerous behaviors” she exhibited. You are a threat to me, to women every where.

UPDATE See how to take action: Enough Is Enough!

Making Giving & Getting STDs Cute?

herpes-simplex-virus-2I’ll be honest; I’ve got herpes. Yup, down there, not on my mouth. It’s not a relationship or sex death sentence — and should presenting such facts to a potential partner be a deal breaker for him or her, just count your blessings that you didn’t have the chance to catch their rigid, unforgiving, inflexible, judgmental-ism.

My husband and I joke around about herpes a lot — we have to because herpes and other STDs are often the punchlines in many jokes. Sometimes, when it’s in the context of assuming that a person with an STD is indiscriminately promiscuous, it’s hard to laugh…

But hey, even this rabid feminist has a sense of humor.

So when I found stuffed plush Herpes, I just had to laugh.

herpes

Herpes is part of the the Venereals line of GIANTmicrobes® by Drew Oliver.  GIANTmicrobes® are stuffed animals that look like tiny microbes — only a million times actual size!  The Venereals collection also includes The Clap – Gonorrhea, The Pox – Syphilis and Chlamydia too — each in their own little Petri dish!

chlamydia-petri

Sure, the Venereals are in kitschy; and I certainly don’t recommend using one of these alarmingly cute plush to announce your condition to a potential mate. But it might be a cute and funny way to alert your partner who alredy knows to infestation, inflammation, etc. Because as the website says, “Breaking out is hard to do,” so why not have a little something to make it a little more fun?

These plush critters may not cure you, but they will help you with your dis-ease!

More On Moron Steve Ward & The Rape Issue

The conversation about Steve Ward’s stupidity is continuing — thank Gawd.

But all the talk brings up a few points I’d like to clarify.

1) I was really enjoying Tough Love up to this point. Ward (and the shows producers) seemed to be operating from the old BDSM mantra, “Safe, sane & consensual,” something pretty rare in reality television.

Most remarkably seemed to be the “consensual” part, in which scripted tricks were not played on either the female participants nor their male “possibilities.” (You might be able to debate the use of physically using electronic shocks to modify the women’s behaviors, but it’s not like these were stun-guns or something. It was no worse than having Ward or another coach standing beside them going, “Bup-bup-bup!” when they did something dumb.)

Overall — and up until the misuse of “rape” (both in diagnosis and as a fear-mongering tool) — I’ve been appreciative of the combination of tact & honest bluntness in confronting the women’s baggage — both the emotional issues & the bad habits. So it pains me to see the show go so low.

2) I’m not condoning Arian’s actions. I understand them; but I do worry for her. (A number of the other women on the show too.)

But there is a clear distinction between Arian’s self-hurtful behaviors and the predatory act of rape performed by another. She, and women like her, need to be held responsible for their own actions — but not the actions of others. In this case, Arian needs to be aware of what she is doing, how her perception of the effectiveness of her defense mechanism as inaccurate and is in fact detrimental to herself and her objective of finding a good relationship. She needs to see this in order to change her behaviors — in order to bring her the happiness she both deserves and seeks.

This is what Ward was trying to do/say. And it would have been a great lesson for all those watching too. He started well, but… *shudder*

This would have been one of those educational & self-help moments; a lesson for all of us at home, young & old who need to learn it, or at least understand it. But…

3) What about the other side? When comments are left at VH1’s blog about this “educational moment”, they go something like this one by Kaya:

To all of you who are so upset with Steve, let me ask you this: is this what you will teach your daughters? That it’s okay to get drunk, dress suggestively, act in a sexually agressive manner and take home anybody you like, and nothing will ever happen to them? Many rapists are predators, just like child molestors. A child molestor will seek out a victime when he or she is most vulnerable and least able to resist. So will a rapistt; in this case, a drunk woman eager to be alone with him. Sure, the rapist is at fault, but that doesn’t make the woman less raped, beaten, emotionally scarred, dead, etc….

If you aren’t teaching your daughters how to protect themselves, you shouldn’t be a parent.

Ignoring my desire to nit-pick some of your comments on the behaviors of rapists, let me say that I agree totally that parents should teach their daughters how to protect themselves. And when, for whatever reason, they haven’t learned such things — or have adopted bad or unsafe habits — they need to be reeducated. See all of the above.

This brings up the post I linked to in my original Ward/rape post (read it; I link for a reason, yo). I too wish the world wasn’t the way it is, but it is and we need to safeguard our daughters, our girls, our women. But what are we teaching our sons, our boys, our men? (Incidentally, that same blogger — the author of the main author here at Kitsch Slapped — has a post about talking to her son about such things.)

In all this talk about rape, where’s the part about parents teaching their sons?

Kaya’s statements completely ignore the lessons here about teaching young men that rape & other abuse is not to be tolerated. Like Ward’s original statement and those of the other show participants, such language of omission isn’t an accident. They are excusing bad male behaviors, placing the blame for “enticing” upon Arian’s shoulders — and all women’s shoulders — when the blame clearly belongs to men who commit rape, assaults, and abuse of any sort.

This sort of complacent language dismisses male responsibility & diminishes the crime. It complicates how we as a society react to charges of assault & rape. It’s why Ward said what he did, why the other women agreed with him, and why the comments at VH1 have been so stupid. It perpetuates the myths, blames the victims, and places other women in danger with misinformation. All things I’ve already spoken of, so I’ll stop now. For now.

4) Because I have a lot of friends who are sex workers * (escorts, phone sex operators, erotica authors, strippers, etc.), I also feel I need to clarify my statements about Arian, her stripping, and my thoughts on what I see regarding a history of her past abuse.

This is the toughest part of the post, actually, because what I’m about to discuss is a stereotype as old as the oldest profession. And incredibly hurtful too. So, let me say for the record that abuse & sex work do not go hand in hand.

Like any segment of society, especially female segments, abuse is a part of the demographic — but abuse is not an identifying characteristic. It should not be assumed to be a part of any sex worker’s history.

Unfortunately for sex workers who wish stories that reinforce such stereotypes would just go away, Arian, the sex worker, exhibits a hyper sexuality that moves past a self-described “bad girl” let alone a content within her own skin, sex positive person.

The true tell-tale signs for me, just in this last episode, were her approval seeking glances at her fellow house mates when she sat in the “hot seat,” her upping the loud & raunchy display & talk when she found no support, and her lashing out in pain like a wounded animal when the rape word hit the fan. (As I said before, she was looking for a reason to leave and explode — but watch closely, she’s got more pain than fire in her eyes at that point.)

In past episodes, we’ve seen her both use her sexuality to garner attention and react dramatically when it’s been of no help to her. Most obvious in her dealings with Ward himself, when she feels she not only has no control but no value to Ward.

I can’t speak for sex workers everywhere, but none of the sex workers I know behave like Arian has on the show.

And so it is this set of behaviors I speak of when I say I believe Arian has been abused; these are the behaviors which are dangerous. Her employment as stripper or sex worker has nothing to do with it.

There. I think I covered every thing I intended to.

Oh, except for the fact that I still urge you to contact Steve via his matchmaking service’s site, Master Matchmakers, and VH1 to demand an apology.

* Don’t act so shocked that I know and cavort with sex workers. They are damn fine people.

If you are “just surprised to hear this because I never mentioned them before”, well, I also don’t identify my computer programming friends. I also don’t identify my gay friends, my black friends, my white traditional straight vanilla mom friends, etc. How horrible would I be if I identified them as such for no reason? I only mention such identifiers when I feel it is relevant.

UPDATE See how the story unfolds:

Mommy, Make The Bad Man Stop

Enough Is Enough

Please take action!

Giving Steve Ward & VH1 Some Tough Love Of My Own

I’ve been watching VH1’s Tough Love for the past few weeks now and, despite his somewhat slower-than-I up-take on females and a need to nurse along a viewing audience, I have agreed with Steve Ward nearly word for word — up until tonight that is.

Tonight Steve Ward began to very tactfully, once again, help Arian to see that her automatic defense mechanism, using overt hyper sexuality to turn away men before any attachments could be made (and so avoid being hurt herself), was a bad thing. True, such actions will keep her from being hurt; but they will also keep her from finding what she really wants: to be in an honest, truthful, committed, loving relationship. Where Ward went wrong was saying that if Arian continued on this path, she’d end up raped. Now the already defensive and shut-down Arian used the powerful word of rape as her cue to end the conversation. She was going to do that anyway because she is in complete denial — and wishes to remain there. But Ward was way out of line here.

Rape is not about sex. It is not borne of lust. It is not caused by the penis’ desire for pleasure, nor a biological drive to pass on DNA. Rape is an assault of rage, anger & power. The penis (&/or other objects) are used because the physical penetration and friction of intimate walls violates emotional and spiritual worlds, echoing on in the psyche, forever haunting that person (and those who love them). Whereas death is but a moment’s passing, and therefore finite.

Ward’s perpetuation of such dangerous misogynistic mythology not only places (once again) the responsibility for male behaviors squarely on the shoulders of females, leaving victims to face guilt, but by covering up the truth, leaves more women ill-prepared and therefore vulnerable to attack.

Ward should apologize. And undergo the proper education.

So should everyone behind the show at VH1.

But perhaps even more alarming than Ward’s perpetuation of this dangerous myth, was the fact that all the other women present did not correct Ward — in fact they repeated what he was saying as if it were the truth! (I at least expected my girl Jody to speak the truth!) They are as brainwashed by the rape myth as Ward.

Can you see the huge tears rolling down my face?

As for Arian & the show, she was set to run off set anyway. But it was stupid to even try to talk to a woman who is so wrapped-up in the belief-fear that her only value is her body, by talking about her bodily risks.

It’s been clear to me from the start that Arian’s projection of hyper-sexuality is based upon a fear that this is all anyone sees her as. (And some sexual abuse signals were seen by me with the first watching of the show; so watch for that reveal too.) If she is to feel valued for herself, Ward’s conversation should have focused (more accurately) on the fact that, with continued use of her defense mechanism, the danger Arian faces the continuation of a succession of one night stands — but if she express more value of herself past her sexuality, exhibits less signs of sexual availability, then she increases her odds of finding men who will view her in terms of total person-hood and not just a great lay.

So Ward f-ed up all over tonight.

You’ll notice, if you’ve seen the show, that VH1 conveniently doesn’t have a clip of Ward saying she’ll be raped — they have the clip just before that line (which, if you haven’t seen the show, is evidence of Arian’s hyper-sexuality) and the clip after it, of Arian leaving & the other women’s reactions.

No go to VH1 & demand an apology and proper education for all.

You can also contact Steve via his matchmaking service’s site: Master Matchmakers.

UPDATE See how the story unfolds:
More On Moron Steve Ward & The Rape Issue

Mommy, Make The Bad Man Stop

Enough Is Enough

Please take action!

Quick, Check Your Stone Tablet For Today’s Date: More Legalized Rape News

At BUST Magazine‘s blog, a post that Afghanistan Legalizes Marital Rape — which naturally reminded me that it wasn’t so long ago that we were writing on the same stone tablet. (I did post a comment there to that effect; but so far, it is not showing up at the site. I hate that.)

Anyway, as Peter at BUST‘s blog writes:

Want to read something mortifying? The Guardian just released an article stating that Hamid Karzai, Prime Minister of Afghanistan just rushed a bill through the Afghan parliament which will legalize marital rape. ‘The final document has not been published, but the law is believed to contain articles that rule women cannot leave the house without their husbands’ permission, that they can only seek work, education or visit the doctor with their husbands’ permission, and that they cannot refuse their husband sex.’

At the post, Allison left the following helpful comment:

Revolting and infuriating.

If you are not aware of them already, please check out Rawa.org, a group that has been trying to help Afghan women find a voice and equality against fundamentalist/sexist power in their country since 1997: http://www.rawa.org/index.php

1965: Legal Marital Rape

Can a husband legally force his wife to have sexual relations when she doesn’t wish to? That 1965 Dell Purse Book by Richard T. Gallen, Wives Legal Rights, says, “Yes.” As long as his demands are “reasonable and her health is not impaired or endangered.”

wives-rights-sex-1965a
wives-rights-sex-1965-b

No mention of hitting or physically forcing her exists (apparently because on page five they’ve already said no hitting allowed).  But what’s really implied here with this notion that a husband’s legal right to force his wife to have sex so long as it doesn’t impair her physical health, is a side-step of physical abuse on the part of the man, neatly placing responsibility for any altercations at the feet of wives, for a wife can’t/ought not resist or she would be at fault for denying him his sexual rights.

All of this completely denies the existence of any other reason for sexual denial. As if her body & mind are indeed his property, subject to his whims.

We could just ignore this, write it off as “history,” but these idiotic notions are still with us. They linger in court decisions, media coverage, and even family reactions, even 40+ years later.

They only specifically mention sex during pregnancy, which clearly shows the fetus (or ‘baby’) has more value than the mother-to-be.

Then again, I know many women who while pregnant, wanted sex at least every night; those hormones, you know…

And there’s no mention of her right to have sex, pregnant or not. The stereotype that women don’t want sex was is so prevalent, that it doesn’t even warrant discussion of women’s marital rights to sex. *snort*

Real Life Brady Bunch

Mike Mathis Productions is looking for the real life Brady Bunch: A man with at least two kids and a woman with the same about to get married. The production company wants to follow a newly blended family for (yet another) reality tv program.

You can get in touch with them via their casting department. (Don’t forget to tell ’em Alessia of Relationship Underarm Stick sent ya!)

Yes, I’m A Domestic Violence Survivor

This snippet on page five in Wives Legal Rights, by Richard T. Gallen (Dell Purse Book, 1965), breaks my heart. Not just because it’s about what we’d now call domestic violence which “may be” pursued as a crime, but because while the publication is over 40 years old, the cultural lag is so much further behind.

husband-legal-right-hit-wife-1965

You see, I’m a survivor of domestic violence. Times two. I’m not proud to say that I’ve lived it twice; but it’s important to know because once the abuse damages your world, you may be even more susceptible in the future. This is contrary to what most would call “common sense” or even a natural human instinct to survive by avoiding the warning signs (should there actually be any prior to being in the middle of the madness), but it’s the truth.

I’ll be posting a lot more about domestic violence… I hope sharing my experiences not only educate and support others living it — or even provide a means to strengthen my own voice on a subject I’ve long been afraid to speak of outside of court rooms and therapist offices — but that talking about this serves as a catalyst for awareness and change from the rest of the world who feels they are exempt for the blight. Whether they know it or not, they are part of the problem.

And yes, if that feels accusatory, like I’m pointing a finger at you, I am. Too many people are locking their doors and windows under the mistaken assumption that they are then safe (which is so not what the numbers say). And when they do so, they lock out the realities, putting themselves and their children at risk as well as perpetuating the myths and, by placing judgments on those involved (including the victims), they further allow domestic violence to live — not in dark corners or under rocks, but in the light of day.

You have been put on notice.

Dates Are For Learning

My daddy, the one who calls ‘eunuchs’, ‘tunics’, always said that dating was equal parts learning about your date and learning about yourself.

Each & every date, each and every person you dated, was a field trip to learning. You might have thought you liked bowling but, as it turns out, you really only like drinking beer, spending time with your friends and wearing funny shoes. Go blowing with a guy you don’t like and bam! It becomes crystal clear: bowling is not fun, it’s the people you like. Then again, you might not like bowling, but you sure did enjoy spending time with that guy who took you bowling… It takes awhile to do the math, but eventually you figure it — and yourself — out. If you are wise, that is.

Too often, people spend time on dates just evaluating the other person as potential partner material, ignoring the self-evaluation. It’s important because maybe what you really really like about bowling is the flirtation with the guys in the other lane… So then it’s not the date that’s the problem (either going bowling or his seeming unlikelihood as a soul mate) but it’s that you aren’t really looking for a relationship.

I was reminded of this when I watched VH1’s Tough Love. It was the second episode but my first time watching the reality show — you might think that it would be ‘bad’ to miss the first show, but I found not knowing info about the eight women he’s trying to coach in the ‘boot camp’ far less distracting (like the whole “bitchy Taylor returns” thing — WTF?!) Anyway, professional matchmaker Steve Ward was trying to teach these girls some self-awareness. They must be pretty oblivious to themselves & their behaviors because Ward actually used a shocking device to zap the women whenever they broke dating rules — just like my uncle trained his hunting dog, or my sister’s invisible dog fence.

People reverting to old or bad habits, dating or otherwise, isn’t especially odd; new habits and behaviors take time. But the most amazing thing to me was Jody. This woman is completely unaware of the signals she sends. She comes off as a chick who doesn’t really want a relationship, but I think she’s got the same exact problem as Arian: neither one of them has the confidence in themselves to believe they’ll be loved that they’ve created tough-cookie exteriors to push (shove and kick) people away before there’s even a chance. Like those swaggering men with rotten cores I dated. It’s a neurosis as terribly isolating, self-destructive and painful as the clingy stalker chick, Jessa. And no fun for those dating them.

Stasha (who had to be zapped so often for bragging about being in Playboy that it went past comical into abrasive — I can only imagine what it would be like to sit across the table from her on a date. Ugh.) and Abiola also seem to be projecting a confidence they don’t feel… Or they could be so damn unrealistic about themselves and the realities of relationships that they’ll end up only accepting cartoon ones — superficial and, at best, two-dimensional.

(I didn’t see enough of Jacklyn, Natasha, and Taylor to get a read on them — yet)

Anyway, my point is that these ladies are all so busy looking at & evaluating men — immediately judging the men to be untrustworthy or otherwise unworthy so they can dump them and move on — that they require a third party to give them literal, physical shocks.

And even then they resist.

Along with not knowing how they behave (and how that behavior is interpreted), they don’t even seem to know themselves, their needs, or what motivates them.  It’s more than classic defense mechanisms that automatically go off; it’s ignorance about themselves.

If only these women had begun dating under my dad’s dating philosophy. It may not have spared them broken hearts & bad experiences, but at least they’d have walked away knowing something more about themselves. And then they wouldn’t have had to been zapped — on national television, yet.

Marriage: We’ve Come Along Way, Baby?

In Wives Legal Rights, by Richard T. Gallen, a Dell Purse Book, © 1965, marriage is defined as both an emotional relationship and a legal arrangement, “a valid contract between a man and a woman, granting certain rights to each, demanding certain responsibilities of each.” It’s taken decades for Webster’s to catch up on the definition of marriage to include same sex couples (which, as you’ll see at that link, is upsetting to co-called conservatives — selfish, intolerant bastards), and the legal definition is even worse. So it shouldn’t be surprising that other concepts are having an equally long a culture lag.

wives-rights-responsibilities-duties

Paging through this retro Dell booklet, it’s easy to see that the gender split isn’t just regarding who is in a marriage, but what role each gender has within a marriage. Women are legally required to perform domestic chores and to care for husband and children. On the flip-side, men are required to support, protect and maintain wives and children (but nowhere is is listed that husbands are to care for their wives and/or children).

wives-rights-responsibilities-duties-husband

This may not seem very alarming on the surface (to me it’s a giant WTF?! moment), but the antiquated way of legally assigning roles in a personal relationship sure is government dictating personal lives. Even if marriage laws are no longer written this way, the cultural lag exists and for many, such shifts in change have not been made, making it more difficult even for those who do believe differently.

It’s easy to see where the cultural assumptions of women having the ‘home sphere’ impacts equal pay for equal work, the pink ghetto from pink collar jobs etc. Women are still not true equals in society because we are not seen as having equal footing and participation, which leads to attitudes & assumptions about women’s roles in society and individual marriages.

It’s not just the cave men (and their families) who wish to keep women in their (historical) place, but the insidious perceptions off of which people operate — sometimes unaware they hold such notions (or the unhappiness they instill) until they are tested. But once you are married, it is often too late to renegotiate what has already been seen as accepted.

My advice to you is to clearly discuss your expectations about roles in relationships with prospective mates. Be clear about what you and won’t do or tolerate — and be equally clear what you expect. Better to leave that old fashioned thinking fish in the pond, than to forever be on the hook.

Survey Indicates Single Women Aren’t Sleep-Around-Sluts

Continuing my look at the Maxim 2009 Ultimate Sex Survey, I’m struck by results which may indicate that there are less young 20-something so-called “third wave feminists” projecting an image of sexuality which moves past “available” to “equality means living up to male stereotypes” than I thought. I meet a lot of those young women… *sigh* But either they are fewer in number than I had calculated (feared) — or fewer participated in this survey. In any case, I am heartened to read most of the following survey results. (You can click the pic to see/read a larger image.)

maxim-march-2009-page-70

A whopping 67% prefer “rough and dirty” sex — which may sound promiscuous, but not only were the other two options (“over in time for The Hills“, 2% and “slow and gentle”, 31%) lame or limiting (where are the options to mix it up — some sort of combination answer?), but the replies to “How many one-night stands have you had?” were surprisingly low (38.8% said zero, 40.2% said 1-3). And 48% claim the number of sexual partners they’ve had is 1-5. When it comes to cheating, 50.8% say they’ve done it once. (Lived and quickly learned the hard way, I’m guessing.) And just over 61% deny having made any sex tapes.

Bottom Line: These girls aren’t the sleep-around-sluts Cosmo makes ’em out to be. (Or is it that Cosmo tries to make sleep-around-sluts?)

These women are realistic about penis size. The majority (49.5%) say their ideal size is 7-9 inches; runner-up is 4-6 inches with 48.9%.

However, 35.8% say they make their kitty-cats completely whisker-free — and only 3.2% admit to a full fluffy kitty. While nearly 81% prefer a man to trim his pubic hair (good luck with that dream, sister!), 10.2% (the second highest survey result) prefer men au natural — which means women are still more accepting of men as human animals then they are of themselves. (I hope future surveys see some more realistic self-acceptance.)

Putting Singles In Their Place

PlumParty.com calls this set of 8 placecard holders singles placecard holders:

But with labels such as “tease,” “high maintenance,” “gold digger,” “drama queen,” “damaged goods,” and “on the rebound,” I think they are perfectly wonderful for any good old-fashioned get together. Sure, for girls’ night, but how much fun to use as a party game in mixed company –with couples too — where you either…

A) turn the moniker away from the chair, facing the rest of the dinner guests, and have each guest guess what their label is

Or, B) you hand one to each guest as they enter, and have them act out their label, making the other people guess what their personality/circumstance is.

Naturally, all your guests will need to be both secure enough with themselves not to take anything personally as well as have a good sense of humor about the whole thing. But you’re cool like that, so you must have friends that cool too.

(Or at least you are wise enough to know better than to get these placecard holders to begin with.)

Maxim Readers In Relationships Met Where?

Continuing my look at Maxim‘s 2009 Sex Survey

An interesting point to note is that of the 45.8% of women who claim to be in a relationship at the time of this survey, 57.3% of them met their current partner via friends. That’s greater than all the other options (18.9% at work, 10.8% at bar or club, 13% online *) combined.

Granted, that list isn’t every possible way for singles to meet, but I think the heavy dip towards introduction by friends proves my point that meeting people through people you know (aka having friends and a social life) works. And that the fact that your friends know & approve of these guys makes dating more likely to turn into relationships; this pre-screening makes these matches more acceptable to your support network and that increases your success as a couple.

This is not to say that there is no other way, but the old traditional methods still apply to dating today.

Meeting through friends means those in the group will have a greater number of things in common. Not just social activities and interests either. Compatibility has as much to do with similar religious, economic, social or class backgrounds, and other cultural issues (the roots of “values,” if you will), which means that your “at home” feeling with one another is more than just the bond of the familiarity of the faces in your social circle.

So hook up through your friends already.

* Click the scan to read the bit titled, Internet Hating; it’s as much a warning as it is a hoot to read. (Unlike my nemesis publication, Cosmo, Maxim‘s humor is spot-on, not kitsch.)

My Pajamas Made Him Kill Me (Or, In Which I Review A Film I Haven’t Seen)

Most would say it’s not fair to review a movie you haven’t seen — and normally I’d agree. It’s an ethics thing. But sometimes you hear about a movie (based on the opinions of those who have seen the film), and you just have to say something…

This is especially true when the movie is based on a true story.

In this case, the film is based on a crime — but the real crime here is not (just) that the makers of the film have sensationalized and exploited a murder, but have missed the very points which make the story moving and important.

The film is The Pyjama Girl Case (1977), and it’s based on the real life story of the unidentified charred remains of a woman discovered in Australia in 1934.

Let’s begin with the reviews…

Stanley Runk “Runkdapunk” says:

On the books this film is a giallo, but it is only in the most basic sense. Yeah it’s a murder mystery, it deals with sexual themes and it’s Italian. That’s where all comparissons end though. No rampaging killer with gloves and a hat/hood and no real body count to speak of other than the Pyjama girl herself. Sure there are a few more deaths, but not until the end of the film.

J. B. Hoyos says:

“The Pyjama Girl Case” disappointed me for several reasons. First, and foremost, it is not a true Italian giallo. Absent is the typical black-gloved serial killer. Only two people are murdered. Second, this movie doesn’t contain any major shocks or plot twists. The plot is very linear. Third, there is only one attractive woman and that is actress Dalila Di Lazzaro who later went on to act in Dario Argento’s superb “Phenomena,” which is definitely an Italian giallo.

(Oh, and “Runkdapunk” also says that Dalila Di Lazzaro is “yummy except for the armpit hair” — just in case you wanted to know.)

And those are the people who gave it three stars at Amazon; there are worse reviews with less stars.

Now I don’t know what a “giallo” is, let alone an Italian one, but that’s neither here nor there because I’m not going to judge this film by whatever standards either may have. And I’m not going to even discuss if a movie can have enough killing (I’m totally one girl who doesn’t go in for body-count flicks). But I do have a lot to say.

Again, this movie is based on a true story. The real-life “Pyjama Girl” was a brutally murdered unknown woman, whose battered and partially burnt body was found dumped roadside in Albury, New South Wales on September 1, 1934. Normally I find the phrase “brutally murdered” to be redundant or excessive — nearly an expletive to induce horror — but the details, according to Australian Screen, make it pretty clear that one can easily use the extra word:

The victim’s head was wrapped in a bloody towel and her body was pushed headfirst into a hessian bag. The body had then been set alight. A post-mortem revealed that she had been shot below the right eye, but the cause of death was probably eight blows to her face.

“Brutal murder” no longer seems to be just for shock-value, does it?

Anyway, as her identity was not known, the woman was dubbed the “Pyjama Girl” because she was found wearing pieces of pyjama fabric.

After coroner’s inquest failed to establish the identity of the woman, artists’ sketches and a forensic facial reconstruction were created to represent what the victim may have looked like, with the images shown around the world, in hopes that someone would identify her.

And her body was preserved in order to be put on display and shown to hundreds of people. Yes, hundreds of people paraded past her post-mortem. For ten years.

Her death was naturally shocking, but her death became a mystery which fascinated the nation and, for some, became an obsession. To the extent that in 1939 an entertainment “newsreel” was made to be shown in cinemas before feature films (and, in some cases, was, like other newsreels, shown continuously).

Again, a quote from the Australian Screen (where you can catch clips):

The Pyjama Girl Murder Case newsreel, produced in 1939 after the coronial inquest, is considered to be Australia’s first true crime film. Filmmakers Rupert Kathner and Alma Brooks defied a ban by the New South Wales Police Commissioner, William MacKay, on newsreel coverage of the case and even tried to break into Sydney University to film the body. The use of adverbs such as ‘stealthily’ and emotive phrases such as ‘fiend in human form’, as well as the re-creations of various episodes of the case, indicate the ways in which the filmmakers sought to sensationalise the case.

In 1944, ten years after her body was found, a man was convicted not of her murder, but of manslaughter. Rat-bastard Antonio Agostini confessed to the police commissioner that he had “accidentally shot” his wife, Linda Agostini, “during an argument.”

Just how unlikely it is that Linda was Pyjama Girl (Linda Agostini had brown eyes; Pyjama Girl’s eyes were blue), is as astonishing as a husband who confesses to murdering his wife but only gets 6 years — and serves less then 3. And this is stuff that Richard Evans tells in his book, The Pyjama Girl Mystery (also available via Amazon).

But what we end up with now, are two dead women — both of which were likely killed by men they knew. (The odds say it’s true; and who else has access to a woman in her pajamas?)

Author Evans’ investigation into this case is far more fascinating than the story told in that 1977 movie — but that’s not even my main (or only) point.

Apparently in 2004, Australia’s ABC’s Rewind program ran a story on the Pyjama Girl mystery and, along with an extremely interesting interview with Evans, they presented this fascinating bit of cultural commentary:

MICHAEL CATHCART: In the 1930s, pyjamas were exotic, the sort of thing worn by young flappers. These so-called ‘new women’ dressed in skimpy clothes, they smoked, they drank, they partied and they laughed at convention. The straitlaced moral guardians of the day held up the Pyjama Girl as an example, a warning of what happens to young women who go astray.

CALEB WILLIAMS, CURATOR, JUSTICE AND POLICE MUSEUM: It was a wonderful trope for the newsmen of the day to play with. The idea of, you know, this wonderful, gorgeous, sexy woman abandoned bashed in a ditch in a pair of exotic silk pyjamas – it was sort of media heaven, basically.

In case you missed it, let me highlight the most offensive part here: The straitlaced moral guardians of the day held the Pyjama Girl up as a warning of what happens to young women who go astray. Why did they think the young woman had “gone astray”? Because she wore pajamas.

Pajamas.

Pajamas were, at the time, the “exotic” sort of thing worn by young flappers. And flappers were amoral women. Women who, apparently, deserve to be beaten, shot, burned and left dead in a ditch.

That’s a whole lot of conclusion jumping and victim blaming.

Just like the crap said about Linda Agostini.

Wikipedia (a site I trust about as much as I do the investigation into the Pyjama Girl case), says that Linda was a “penniless glamour girl” who “worked at a picture theatre in the city and lived in a boarding house on Darlinghurst Road in Kings Cross where all accounts tell she ‘entertained’ more than her fair share of young, attractive men. Platt was a heavy drinker and a flighty Jazz Age party-goer who had difficulty adjusting to stability.” Lovely. Who writes and edits at Wiki? Tony Agostini’s family?

Wiki does not reference those particular sentiments (for they sure aren’t facts), but none of the sites referenced says such things. One of the sites referenced, Australian Dictionary of Biography, says the following:

Tony and Linda were a popular couple. He was 5 ft 7 ins (170 cm) tall, trim and dark haired; she was only five feet (153 cm) tall, attractive and well liked. Yet, according to Tony, their relationship was not an easy one.

Linda sometimes left him for long periods and drank too much which shamed him within the Italian community. In 1933 the couple moved to Carlton, Melbourne, where he worked on the newspaper, Il Giornale Italiano, and she took a job at Ferrari’s hairdressing salon in the Manchester Unity Building. Agostini later claimed that there were frequent altercations. During one quarrel in bed, Linda was fatally shot with a pistol which Tony alleged she had held.

“They were well liked,” but… Tony says “their relationship was not an easy one,” Tony says there were “frequent altercations,” Tony says they argued in bed and she had a pistol. *snort*

Tony says it was an accident — but the bitch had it coming.

Who is here to speak for Linda? (And couldn’t I argue that with an ass-hat like Tony for a husband, I’d take off and drink too. Only I wouldn’t return to where he lives — by my choice, not his hand.) But let’s all blame the victims.

Linda’s treatment is like Pyjama Girl’s: Unfair and unwarranted crap which absolves their murderers from any responsibility. Which makes me really, really upset. The kind of upset that renders me unable to even swear properly.

How can anyone ven suggest that a woman was somehow responsible for her own murder because of the PJs she wore or drinking?

That Pyjama Girl’s death & “murder case” was reduced to media hype, social agendas, sloppy & corrupt police work — and just plain political no matter how you cut it — is a story which deserves to be told. If only because it may be the only way this woman (and Linda Agostini and other victims) can be honored. And because it just might be of value in teaching people what matters.

And that isn’t a woman’s pajamas. Or her short skirt. Or the number of drinks she’s had, who she knows, where she goes. She’s human and her life was taken — and likely by someone she trusted.

So, just how ridiculous does that not-giallo-enough film made in 1977 seem now? Like some chick’s armpit hair, it just doesn’t matter. Other than it was an insignificant waste of time.

And yeah, I could be all wet because, as I readily admit, I didn’t see this 1977 film. But then “Runkdapunk” says, “The disc has a half hour documentary about the actual Pyjama girl murder case which is actually more interesting than the film.” So I rest my case.

Now if only poor “Pyjama Girl” could only rest in peace.

Better Fish In Another Pond?

You got the looks, the career, the car, the social network — everything but Mr. Right and you want him!!

If you’re female, age 25 to 40, single, attractive and successful in every aspect of life except one… If you’ve ever had that feeling that Mr. Right is out there but not where you live… That there are other fish in the sea — but you’re on the wrong shore… That if you could just leave town, go to another state, you’d meet that perfect guy? If this sounds like you — or someone you know — you’ll be interested in what ABC Media Productions has planned.

Right now, they’re casting for a new reality special called Holidate to be broadcast this fall on SOAPnet. Sort of like a Wife Swap for singles and the Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, & Jack Black film Holiday, Holidate will arrange for two single women to temporarily swap locations, live at the other’s home, date men in the other woman’s social circle, etc., and stay in touch with one another on their “journey to find love” in this search for better fishing.

The show will provide all the details and the plane ticket; you just have to believe in love, be willing to have your attempts at love be broadcast on television, and, of course, risk the giant “what ifs” of what happens if you do find Mr. Right and have to work out a long distance relationship & the pragmatic stuff of just who moves…

(Maybe that’s the topic of SOAPnet’s next reality special?)

To apply or nominate another single woman for casting in the special, please submit your name, age, occupation, city & state, along with a recent photo &/or MySpace or Facebook page link to HolidateCasting@yahoo.com. You may also contact the casting directors directly: Ulysses Lee (singleladiescasting@yahoo.com) or Kristina Gorolevich (KristinaCasting@yahoo.com). Or you can use this handy online form.

As always, please tell folks that Alessia of Relationship Underarm Stick sent you. Thanks!

Loved One Can’t Commit to Anything?

Got a loved one who can’t commit — to anything? We’re not just talking about the usual commitment resistant guy (or gal)… We’re talking about some seriously deep-rooted issues with living up to their word — in pretty much any area.

Are you having issues with someone who can’t propose to you after years of dating? Have you had talks about the future but now worry that you’re dating a giant commitment-phobe?

Do you struggle with a loved one who promises something but frequently falls short on delivering? Are you tired of hearing your boyfriend will be on time – and then he’s not. Does your husband always promise he’ll complete a home renovation – but you’re still living with a hole in your living room wall and tools left everywhere?

Are there promises of washing the dishes, walking the dog, or showing up at the movies – that never seem to pay off and you’re over feeling frustrated?

Sound like someone you know? Would you like Dr. Phil’s advice? If you are willing to appear on the show, then the Dr. Phil show wants to hear from you (preferably by the 25th of this month). Contact the show’s producers directly via their online form. Please note: If you’re under 18, you must have a parent or guardian fill out the form, and use of the form is your consent that the material may be used on the show or Web site.

And please be sure to tell them that Alessia from Relationship Underarm Stick sent you!

Of Sex Surveys Run By Maxim

OK, I like Maxim — unlike Cosmo, it’s a magazine that’s pretty clear who and what they are all about. But I have a little bone to pick regarding the 2009 Sex Survey in their March issue (yeah, the one with dreamy Dushku on the cover — I’ve got a girl crush on her, and I don’t care who knows it).

“More than 2,000 female readers of Maxim.com, TheFrisky.com, Lemondrop.com, and PopSugar.com, aged 18 to 48 and from all over the country, took our in-depth survey…” Now I’m no statistician, but 2,000 speaking for an entire gender on the globe — or even the nation — seems pretty small. What’s worse, is that I would have expected a greater number than that just from Maxim‘s site; yes, even just female readers of Maxim should be more than 2,000. Then again, a recent survey says that only seven percent of a magazine’s subscribers seek/read the magazine’s website. But that survey only had 316 participants?!

Then you add in the other websites — all of which I’m sure boast more than 2,000 unique visitors a day to their advertisers — and you have what I’d call a diminutive survey participation rate. (Word to my bloggin’ pals: don’t feel badly about poor blog participation/comment ratios; the Big Sites don’t do any better.)

And that’s before we even get to the readership bias issues of pre-selected groups of women…

It’s pretty clear from the canned “In an effort to help the male readers of Maxim magazine understand us women a little better, they’ve asked…” line used in all the posts of the female-centric sites which partnered with Maxim for this survey that the publication sent out a form letter to the sites they selected — and that they selected/defined women based in large part upon the stereotypical female interests of celebrity gossip, shopping and relationship sites. Not all women are defined by such activities and websites. And the latter, women interested in reading about relationships, pretty much precludes women who are happy in their relationships — which would pretty much seem to be the best ones to offer men (and women) insights into what works. But whatever.

While this all sounds like I’m gonna spank some behinds rosy red (and you know I love to wear my leather domminatix gear when dishing media madness and relationship mythology), I don’t entirely disagree with the Maxim survey results.

So stick around for more; I’m breaking it up into more easily digestible points/posts.

Cosmo On Being Well-Hung

I kid-you-freakin’-not, in their section titled “The Single Girl’s Bible” Cosmo offers three-step instructions on how to hang a picture. With illustrations. Because it’s just that difficult.

Jeebus.

What the hell, Cosmo, are you actually under the impression that women don’t know how to hang pictures — that we’re on the dating scene because we need to marry a hammer-wielding man or our framed posters of hang-in-there kitties will never be hung on the wall?

While the column is by Molly Triffin and the “how to hang a picture” credits go to Thom Filicia, Cosmo has editors, right? Someone who makes the decisions on what to publish & how to publish it.

And I’ll accept any loose definitions of “editor”…

Like there’s a retarded horny monkey who randomly flings his or her own poo at the things that “need” to be published on the slick pages — a monkey who does this in exchange for food (to make the poo to fling), something for sexual release (a blow-up monkey doll, or a helping hand of some sort), and shelter (some place to eat, screw and fling poo — the office will do).

But then I’m not sure a retarded horny monkey would even suggest that single women wouldn’t know how to hang a picture — at the same time implying that married women have no need for this masculine knowledge.

Women hanging pictures? Using tools?! That’s not just wacky, that’s dangerous!

Thank Gawn I’m married so I’ll never have to learn how to do this. Not.