Enter to the Wonder Woman Sweepstakes where The Grand Prize includes having your likeness drawn in an upcoming Wonder Woman comic, 50 copies of the first printing of the comic book, and the original artwork. Other prizes include Playstation 3, flat panel LCD HDTV, and copies of the Special Edition Wonder Woman movie.
Cosmo Is For Those With Relationship Autism (And Living 60 Years Ago)
I know that you’re thinking I’m an insensitive bitch for saying “Relationship Autism” — but I have members of my family & friends on the Autism Spectrum (as well as others with similar challenges) and so I know what the hell (and what hell) I am talking about.
I know, I know, I know, that me mocking relationship advice &/or those who need it seems pretty freakin’ hypocrytical — but dude, there’s a difference between honestly trying to help people and doing what Cosmo does. And just what is it that Cosmo does? Oh, thanks for asking — because I’m dying to tell you.
Cosmo tells us things we all should know — like if he strokes your thigh, “sexy one-on-one time” is on his mind. (February 2009 issue.)
A-doy.
Something we all know — unless, of course, you seriously are on the Autism Spectrum or otherwise have a note from your doctor regarding an emotional &/or cognitive deficit. (But if you or someone you know does have such issues, they should not — repeat, NOT — be reading Cosmopolitan magazine. In fact, I don’t know just who should be reading Cosmo… There’s danger in that-there publication.)
But just in case we aren’t grasping this subtlety of human behavior or have some memory problems, Cosmo wants us to know that he likes it if we grab his thigh too. (March 2009 issue)
This sort of turn-about is about as close to liberated as issues of Cosmo get.
(And no, I am not done with pointing out Cosmo‘s flaws — until they clean-up their act, I’ll keep up my activities alerting you to their irrelevance.)
The Zulu Lulu Barware Infection
Don’t hate me for wanting to get one of these Zulu Lulu swizzle stick sets — it’s just too horrific not to own if you’re into non-PC things, which I totally am. As a woman & a collector they leave such a bad taste in my mouth, I just had to own them.
I often shy away from the Black Americana (lest folks take my interest the wrong way), but sometimes, like the vintage postcards, they are literally attached to other things. These vintage swizzle sticks are not physically attached to something else, but are attached in ideology to things that make a feminist’s heart ache (or sing, if you’re into documenting such things). Along with racism, there’s sexism & ageism in these swizzle sticks.
Inside each woman’s abdomen (or uterus) is a number representing her age. As the number increases, her breasts droop, her ass grows, and her tummy bulges. She may be Nifty at 15, Spiffy at 20, Sizzling at 25, and even (despite the nipple pointing downwards) Perky at 30 — but she’s Declining at 35, Droopy at 40, and I guess women look so bad after 40 that there’s no sense in making a swizzle stick. (There are rumors that there’s another set of swizzle sticks with Zulu Lulus at 50 and 60 years of age; but I’ve never seen them.)
While the messages of these vintage barware pieces are more transparent than the brown plastic they are made from, the promotional holder is more pointed than those plastic swords used to skewer cherries, reminding everyone every woman just what men think of them:
Don’t pity Lulu – you’re not getting younger yourself…laugh with your guests when they find these hilarious swizzle sticks in their drinks. ZULU-LULU will be the most popular girl at your party!
There’s so much sexism, racism & ageism in these swizzle sticks that it had to ooze out into the drinks being served and from there, infect all those at the party. I guess that’s why your guests would “‘bust’ out laughing”.
Today, we’d bust out in tears; or just spontaneously combust.
Cross-Eyed Ape Joke Still Works After All These Years
I paid 50 cents for this fragile old piece of paper mocking a woman for the way she dresses. (At first glance, I was certain it was mocking the man; but the ape proffers a red dress with white hearts.) I’m not sure why I had to have it; but I did.
when you walk by
people GAPE —
who picks your clothes
a CROSS-EYED APE?
It’s funny, in that simple childlike rhyming playground mockery sort of a way. And I just love the illustration. Certainly someone saved it all these years — charmed by it for all the reasons I am. But I have no idea what this fragile piece of old paper is supposed to be…
Was it a page in a book? While there’s no printing on the reverse, it’s possible; sometimes illustrations (especially those with color) had single pages to themselves (these are called “plates”).
If it comes from a book, what was the book about? Just a silly joke book? Or was it a silly page illustrating one point in the text?
Were there more pages like this?
Did the original owner find the page loose and save it? Or did they tear it out themselves?
Or maybe it’s not from a book at all. Only the right edge of the paper seems to be without nibbles, cuts and other imperfections — suggesting this is not the original size. Maybe it was an advertising or promotional piece… Some sort of flyer, an advertising circular, whose product &/or company name have been cut away by an original owner who liked the joke &/or illustration.
Then again, there’s all those hearts… Was this some sort of Valentine’s Day themed thing?
Since there is nothing else on the paper to identify it, no artist credit, date or other copyright or publishing credit, I may never know what this paper was originally intended to do or where it comes from. But, like the heavy crease lines from folding which have begun to tear, it doesn’t decrease the value to me. Not just the 50 cents I paid or even the thrill of research to figure it all out (I am geeky like that), but the fun of looking at it. The joke still works, after all these years.
Bridal Madness: Vintage Bridal & Baby Shower Party Plans
(Thursday Thirteen header by Jenn.)
Are a lot of your friends announcing engagements, getting married and having the stork visit — so many, that you’re running out of party ideas and ways to celebrate? Here are 13 vintage ideas, loaded with kitsch and just begging you to use them, maybe even update them a bit…
Remember — all the images get much much larger when you click them — so read away!
1. How To Tell The Secret, aka bridal announcement ideas, from The Bride’s Party Book, published by Dennison. Some of these may be tweaked to fit other announcements — or even used to invite guests to the next event.
2. The next few bits come from Bridal Shower Party Games, “For As Many As 20 Guests” (presumably because it originally had 20 copies of each of the game sheets), Leister Game Company, Toledo, Ohio, (N-1400). The company is still around (but the site isn’t working — or they did just perish — so some links are to Goggle cache).
Inside the front cover, ads for baby & bridal party games and products. The company has gotten racier since then; now they have “Naughty Bingo” and “Condom Blow Jobs”. So you may prefer the quaint & corny vintage Leister games.
Anyway…
One of the party games is Card Pass — “a relay race that’s a little daisy!”
Totally believe you should open a brand new pack of playing cards for this; you don’t know where the hands of previous card holders have been and you’ll be sticking them in your mouth. :shudder:
3. A game called Lucky Pairs:
4. Want-Ad Marriage (which, by the way, is also a fun game to play on girls’ night — having you write each other’s ads):
5. Variation Mystery Feelers
(Don’t know about you, but I don’t want any of the objects back — they’ll be covered in toe-jam!)
6. A Game Of Pairs
(I could be crazy, but didn’t we just do that?)
7. This next one is a fill-in-the-blank game — but don’t get excited thinking it’s a Mad-Lib; it’s a geography quiz. You fill in the blanks of the Honeymoon Trip.
Sadly, the answers were on the back cover which has been cut; so you’ll have to figure out some of these by yourself. (Treat it like a test — like you have to be this smart to get married.)
8. This next one, Wedding Spell, is some twisted spelling bingo thing. Too complicated for me these instructions are. May Yoda help me.
9. Back to the Dennison’s book again…
This time, it’s the bride who gives a party (and isn’t it about time!)
I love the sweet-kitschy-goodness of making these little dolls with faces cut from magazines — I totally want to do this for other parties (but that could be another list of 13…)
And the legal team wants me to tell you not to stuff the cuff party favor with cigs; totally not healthy or PC, you know.
I’m totally skipping the wedding day stuff; I’m certain your bride is not going to let you make crepe paper couple centerpieces. Or crepe paper anything. That doesn’t make her Bridezilla either; she just doesn’t want the kitsch enshrined forever in photos on the in-laws mantle.
(If, for some reason, you need these crepe paper frights delights, let me know.)
10. “There Went The Bride” is “A Mock Wedding for Your Anniversary Celebration” — complete with kitsch skit.
Highlights include:
The bride “as seen by her future mother-in-law — carries rolling pin decorated with flowers”.
The clergyman begins the ceremony with, “Dear Friends, we are gathered here before this congregation of fellow sufferers to join this headstrong couple with the shackles of matrimony. If anyone present can show just cause why this painful ceremony should never take place — for heaven’s sake — speak up — tomorrow may be too late!”
The groom, repeating after the clergyman, vows: “I ____ take thee ____ for my duly wedded wife, to hold, if I have to, from this day forward, in spite of your ceaseless conversation, your unappetizing cooking, your nagging and complaining, your silly girl friends and willful spending — until death do us liberate.”
The bride, repeating after the clergyman, vows: “I ____ take thee ____ for my duly wedded husband, to hold if I have to, to tolerate your black cigars, to laugh at your corny jokes, to clean up after your poker parties, to balance on your budget, until death do us liberate!”
It’s not just me who sees the bitter irony in these two sets of vows… Is it?
Well, at least the ceremony ends with handcuffs… :wink:
11-13 First comes love, then comes marriage — and if you make it through the mock wedding anniversary celebration — next comes your friend with a baby carriage. Some announcements for the new arrival:
Upon My Sole! Announcements with a shoe theme
Non-Stop Flight Announcement has a flying stork theme
The Family Tree is an announcement stretching things — using a hat rack?
Ship’s Log has a nautical theme.
All the patterns for these baby announcements are found on page 24 and the scan is here:
Casting Call: Blushing All The Way To Your Pink Sneakers
Is your mom a cougar? Does she you flirt with your friends and dates — and friends’ dates? Does your uncle or the man you are dating have a “Peter Pan” complex and need to grow up? Are you an adult virgin or having difficulties with relationships because you just hate sex?
If any of these topics apply to you or someone you know — and you want to air the dirty laundry in public (and you know how I feel about that!) — Pink Sneakers Productions, the folks who bring you My Big Redneck Wedding & Brooke Knows Best, want to hear from you for a new untitled docu-series.
To be considered, email a brief description of your story, and headshots if possible, to casting@pinksneakers.net. Or call the casting department at 407.464.2080.
Remember to tell them Alessia at Relationship Underarm Stick sent you!
Dogs In Advertising
An ad for Black & White Blended Scotch Whisky featuring a Scottie and a Westie, found in the July, 1974, issue of Psychology Today (I shared an article on political activism from the issue here, and sent scans of article pages on nuclear families to Shawnee too).
I don’t think dogs should drink whisky. Even if the dog treats are healthy.
But these dogs are less worrisome than the bulldogs mentioned in the latest T-Mobile commercial. Have you seen it? The grumpy guy is complaining that he doesn’t like commitment, so the wife says, “We’ve been married 40 years.” He retorts it’s only been 38. And that he doesn’t like sticking with the same thing, to which the wife replies, “We’ve had 11 bulldogs, all named Steve.” What the hell are they doing to their dogs?!
I’m no math geek, but that’s like what, 3 years per dog?
I could get a calculator & do the math, but I keep loosing my calculator. I should have saved one of those giant calculators I sent out for Valentine’s Day for myself.
I’m not exaggerating; the calculators were huge. I knew you wouldn’t believe me, so I took pictures. See, just one is the size of my Cairn Terrier (named Toodles Squirrel-Face Davidson III).
I gave them to folks double-dog-daring them to lose them. They even can be hung on the wall. (Just $3.99 each at Hobby Lobby — because you know I love the Hobby Lobby.)
Huh. I guess I just made my own ad featuring a dog. But my dog wasn’t drunk. And she’s well over 3 years old too.
Of Labeling, Limiting & Running Your Fingers Down Some New Spines
Andi (of Outer Limits — a most fun blog), has an excellent post: lesbian fiction, or does this book make me look gay? (Who doesn’t get sucked into reading with a title like that?!)
Her discussion (similar to this round-table: Labeling Lesbian Fiction Debate) centers on the issue of whether or not it is a service, a disservice, or a meaningless point, to label works of fiction as “lesbian.”
I’m straight (but not narrow), so maybe my opinion doesn’t really count — but I’m not afraid of books or movies or TV shows or whatever with lesbians or gay or trans folk. If people want to play Guess The Reader’s Orientation By Her Book Purchases (Or Reading Habits), that’s their little game & I don’t care. Besides, they’d be puzzled anyway.
I think separating books by “character orientation” is as silly as categorizing them by marital status. So if we have “Gay Mysteries”, “Bisexual Westerns, “Trans Literature” and “Lesbian Sci-Fi” then why not have “Celibate Sci-Fi” (maybe that’s redundant? lol), “Old Maid Romance” (err, that fits some people who confuse fantasy fiction with real life expectations for relationships) and “Heterosexual Monogamous Adventures” (if strictly read in the missionary position, it’s surely an oxymoron)… Though “Married & Not Getting Any Mysteries” might actually be found in self-help. Heh.
I joke, but I’m serious about segregating books based on character orientation. What’s next, stories with African American characters can only sit on shelves at the back of the store? Because that’s what these categories feel like to me; just another way to label and limit.
A good detective story, adventure, or love story, is a good read no matter what labels the publisher or Barnes & Nobel clerk assigns the book in the shelving process. Fictional characters & their stories are no more limited to their orientation — or gender, race, marital status, religious beliefs, political party or any other label — then real people are. When you categorize, label, and therefore limit the fictional people, you are inches away from limiting the real people.
Which brings us to dating.
While it’s good to know yourself and know the characteristics you’re looking for & even require in a mate, it’s ridiculous to categorize, label and limit potential dates — you’re only limiting yourself.
OK, so maybe being totally, inflexibly straight &/or Republican means you may have limit yourself in a category or two. But it doesn’t mean you need to ignore a million other people by the labels they have or the labels you think they have. Meeting other people means you’ll be exposed to more characters, more stories.
So go ahead, run your fingers along a few spines outside your typical categories; see what new characters you find and what new stories you’ll have to tell.
Lawsy Me! What Pe-Culiar Postcards
Alone Today? Valentine’s Day For Singles
You didn’t think I’d ignore you today, did you my lovelies? Of course not. Real friends don’t ignore their friends just because they are one part of a couple, and years of being alone on Valentine’s Day, my birthday, and other holidays has left me ever-sensitive to the needs of my single friends on such days.
The folks at Lifetime also must have spent a few holidays alone because they’ve put together a collection of 13 “worst breakup stories” — two-minute videos of women (and a few men) telling their once-heartbreaking-now-funny breakup stories. The series, called The Breakup Diaries, has classics — and some scenarios that might make Paul Simon want to revise the count in 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.
One of my favorites is the story of Beth’s break up — it involves maple syrup, but that doesn’t make the story any sweeter. Her story combines three of the classics: The No-Show, The Walk-In-On, and He Comes Bearing Gifts.
Lauren’s story involves “Shmen” making — and sharing with her — a list of reasons why he was breaking up with her. This one is probably my favorite one. Not just because it’s funny, but because Lauren found the silver lining, which is what we all need to do when we’ve lost a lover.
Reassured by Lauren’s story and remaining ever hopeful, you will now download the free Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye MP3 from Amazon. You can mock its smarmy sex-fest mentality with your bitterness today, and then save it for play again on another day when you’ve got a partner to groove in the bedroom with. And yes, dear, that day will come.
You Can’t Cover Your Fingernails In Velvet, Even When You Want To
I thought I was going to have this fab-u-lous Valentine’s Day beauty project for you, but I ran into a few problems along the way…
I had the concept: Wrapping your fingernails in red velvet.
Ridiculously impossible sounding as far as living with them goes — they’d be sure to get full of gunk and even showering would be a disaster. But the idea of one romantic night where you could both look and feel so glamorous that practicalities were of no consequence was seductive… What would it feel like to run bits of velvet along my skin… His skin… So unexpected! Plus, I just lurve red velvet, so practicality be damned!
I knew a few things would be problematic going in to this project… Like fabric itself was going to be a real bitch because getting it to adhere and keeping the edges from fraying were going to be too monumental for my wee crafting skills. So I immediately thought of flocked paper — the very same paper used by altered artists and scrapbooking folks. I headed out to Hobby Lobby.
But it was February 11th, and if they ever had red flocked paper, they were out. So I went to Michael’s. Even worse, no flocked paper at all. So back to Hobby Lobby again to buy the pink flocked paper — and a paper with a red flocked pattern because, I figured, with the size of fingernails, I could get a few out of those wide areas and maybe a stripe of red ‘velvet’ would be cool too. (OK, and I bought a few other sheets of a pink pattern because it was on sale at 50% off. And because I could.)
I went to Wal Mart, intending this to be a quick run-in for a box of Lee press-on nails — only to find that the world of fake nails has become much larger and cheesier than ever. No Lee press-on nails either. So I carefully selected fake nails that did not involve the dreaded acrylic powder (which would render my very temporary red velvet nails far more of a mess at removal time than making them would be) and ended up with a box of 100 Kiss Active Oval glue-on nails for like $5.
I got all my items together and ambushed hubby when he came home for lunch today to take the pictures — because I knew with my hands busy, someone would need to snap the photos.
The plan was relatively simple:
1 Select the nail that fit you, file off that center ‘prick’ with a nail file. Shape it a bit if you wanted to.
2 On the back of the flocked paper, trace the nail — rolling it as you did so, in order to get full coverage of the fingernail.
3 Cut out the fingernail shape you traced, staying just slightly inside the tracing line so that you’d fit the nail and not end up with discolored edges along the sides of your nails.
All that went swimmingly; now it was time to for step 4: glue them on. In order to better assess which type of glue would be best (and to inspect the fit of the flocked paper nail), I placed the paper cut-out nail on the top of the curved plastic Kiss nail. Quickly I discovered that the paper was too thick; it would not nicely curve around the plastic nail without leaving a bump or fold-like area. Hmmmm…
Hubby suggested I tear off the white paper backing, removing a layer to make it thinner. So we did that and it curved much better. As a razor was required to get the separation started, I decided to cut a section from the flocked paper sheet & separate if first, then trace and cut. Now I had two pink flocked paper nails to apply.
I figured the Super Glue would be problematic; be too fast drying for all the curving & smoothing required, that the glue might seep through the paper making an unsightly mess of the paper, or that I’d end up gluing my fingers to themselves or attaching them inappropriately to the fingernail. So I decided to try US ArtQuest’s Perfect Paper Adhesive 8 Ounce-Matte first. (It’s my favorite glue/adhesive.) I applied an even, medium coat to the plastic nail and formed the pink flocked paper over the top of it. The edges just didn’t want to remain down.
I briefly considered a few other options, such as making larger pieces of the paper nails to fold around the edge — but then I’d have to cut sections to fit the curves. Ugh.
I decided that we were close… but not quite there… Maybe the Super Glue would work. So I used that on the second try. The bad news was that it worked even worse. The good news was that I was right about how much more troublesome the glue would be — and that even with a few scary moments, I did not end up glued to anything.
(Nail on the left was created with Super Glue; nail on right using PPA.)
So, I’ve not yet found a way to get red (or any other color) velvet fingernails. Not for this Valentine’s Day, anyway.
Got any ideas on how to do this? Hit me with ’em.
13 Kitschy Finds
(Thursday Thirteen header by Jenn.)
Just 13 things I found shopping online and had to share this Thursday…
1. Time out of whack? Whack it back with this ping pong paddle clock:
2. Ever wonder what your kitchenware does when you’re at work? They play croquet, of course:
3. I just love this vintage watercolor of Browning, Montana’s “Drugstore & Moving Picture House, in the Snow”:
4. Is it just me, or does it look like this retro poodle got drunk on kitty whiskey?
5. Vintage 1940’s porcelain, wood and fabric Carmen Miranda pin:
6. Two great things that go great together: flamingos and black velvet!
7. Because I often write as Pop tart, you know I’m loving this Cherry Pop-Tart Ring:
8. This is a reproduction, but if you love the style of those classic retro heads — authentically colored turquoise, yet — this head’s for you:
9. Cuddle & coo with this retro Dankin Dream Pet poodle:
10. Get a bit of vintage cheesecake for your cupcake:
11. Miss Piggy went to the UK in the 80’s; bring her back.
12. Go nutty with vintage style peanut bags:
13. And what can go better with circus-style peanuts than vintage hot pink clown shoes? Answer: Nothing. Then again, few things do ever trump vintage clown shoes.
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Could You Live With Elizabeth Hasselbeck?
Just a bunch of scrambled thoughts…
Sarah Palin.
I really just want to say those words because Elizabeth Hasselbeck says that all you have to do is say’ Sarah Palin’ and you get attention — and I’m not above wanting a little attention. Especially when I can verbally hassle-back with Hasselbeck. (Elizabeth, not her husband; I’ve met him and he’s a humble man. I can’t imagine how he tolerates her normal rudeness & her pregnancy hormones seem to make her particularly snappish, popping off at the mouth as reactionary as a reptile. That’s how I picture her, with a tiny, primitive, reptilian brain.) Grrrr.
If saying ‘Sarah Palin’ gives me both attention and the chance to vent, well then, I will.
(Now that I’ve typed/said Palin’s name three — and a half — times, I’m wondering if it has the powers of saying Beetle Juice three times and something horrible will appear — like both Palin and Haselbeck.)
Anyway, idiot Hasselbeck could barely allow the question to be formed regarding Ashley Judd’s inclusion of Palin in Judd’s defense of wolves in her PSA for Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund before she had to spit out indignant rage over abortion. It all happened so fast, I was wondering if people were aborting wolf fetuses now… But no, it was just Hasselbeck being an ignoramus. As usual.
Why do those people do that? I mean, stick to the damn issue, will you? The issue was wildlife protection, not the matter of human tissue issues. I get that you are a passionate nutbag of a gal, and your hormones may be insane and all, but can you stop being a rude, interrupting, disrespectful person? Can’t you stay on topic long enough to grasp just the one issue that another brought up and discuss it?
I’m a passionate nutbag of a gal when it comes to being pro-choice, and I do.
I can also grasp the concept that people can and often do have more than one issue they are passionate about — and that often those issues may be or seem to be in conflict with one another. People are complicated like that. Including the most self-aware among us. How we each make peace with those conflicts, how we live with them, is just another slice of complicated human pie. But please, don’t mistake ‘complicated’ for ‘ignorant’ (and think you have to educate or convert us to your way of thinking). And please don’t mistake ‘complicated’ for loud noise to divert us. Your chatter, in either case, is just annoying, unnecessary noise.
And when I think of your immature & rude behaviors, Ms. Hasselbeck, I am always left wondering why you remained on The View and Rosie had to go. At least she let people speak and remained on topic.
It’s your behaviors, not your beliefs, which make me dislike and disrespect you so much, Elizabeth.
I started off saying this was just some scrambled thoughts, some venting, but — unlike Hasselbeck, I do have a point which belongs here at this blog about relationships.
Awhile ago some friends and I were talking about previous bad relationships — our “what was I thinking dating him?!” moments, and we came upon the topic of dating people who have opposing views as you do. For example, can an active Democrat and an active Republican enjoy a happy & healthy relationship? Can a pro-lifer and a pro-choicer make love, not ideological war?
I believe they/you can — if and only if — both behave with respect towards one another.
I, a firm believer in gun control, quite happily dated and was in love with an NRA man. We knew our votes and competing bumper-stickers cancelled one another’s out; even healthily joked about it to deflect people who tried to stir us up. Sure, we passionately debated the issue from time to time, as news stories and political coverage prompted the subject. But we didn’t bring up that difference whenever any other issue came up. We didn’t tag that onto every argument about dirty socks or being late. We didn’t toss it out there as a joke because it wasn’t a joke to either of us. (And that goes for issues one is passionate about and the other is lukewarm about; such joking seeks to diminish the issue, and, by association, the person with the opinion about the issue.) That sort of kitchen-sinking isn’t respectful and sinks your relationship.
We made peace with our basic philosophical differences because each of us respected, admired, and, yes, was even attracted to the other for their passion about the issue. We both dug passionate people who were neither ignorant nor apathetic in our causes & opinions. What would have happened if we had stayed together and had kids, I can’t say… A job took him to another coast and I wasn’t going that way, ya know? But I still have great affection and respect for him; he feels the same.
The point being that if you can agree to disagree in the most respectful of ways, if you both can manage to not feign respect but carry that respect forth in action everyday, then you don’t need to let the issue separate you.
Let’s face it, some issues may be too big to work past even with respectful actions. I couldn’t be marred to a pro-lifer, for example. Not just because I’m a fertile woman who could end up pregnant (quickly knocks wood), but because that subject is one that’s too strongly attached to women’s rights for me and I would end up seeing that man as my oppressor or would-be oppressor. But I’m self aware enough to know this about me — and I’m sure that’s a mutual feeling on the part of pro-lifers.
So the question for you is, are you self-aware enough to know not just what you are passionate about but also just how respectful you can be coexisting with opposing views? Do you know where your deal-breaker lines are?
Mine are really clear for me. I couldn’t deal with the lack of respect Hasselbeck (and Palin) give others; and even if they could change those behaviors, I couldn’t live with their passionate views. But I would be happier to coexist on this planet with them both if they’d just start giving other people respect.
A Nude Exposes The Vincent Price Of Art At Sears
This lithograph of Nude, Sleeping by Wolf Kahn was part of The Vincent Price Collection.
No, it’s not like Vincent Price himself owned the nude — but is his selection of the art for a collection to sell at Sears any less creepy?
Yes, you read that right; Vincent Price, the famed B-film master of kitschy horror was selected to head a retail art sales program for Sears.
While we all remember him for his ghoulish yet flamboyant film personae, Price was a Hollywood film star in the 60s when George Struthers, Sears’s vice president of merchandising, came calling — but Price lent more than star-power cache to Sears. Price had been a student at the Courtauld Institute of Art intending to become an art historian when the stage came calling, and while he became one of Hollywood’s biggest stars he was also known world-wide as a passionate art collector, a former art gallery owner, and, having spent a dozen years studying art at Yale and the University of London, an art lecturer.
The art sold wasn’t cheap reproductions — in fact, they weren’t reproductions at all, but original works of art. And Price was no simple pitch-man; he searched throughout the world for fine art for Sears and had the authority to acquire any works he considered worthy, buying single works, whole collections, and commissioning artists, like Salvador Dali, to create works specifically for The Vincent Price Collection at Sears. It’s clear that as an art lover, Price cared about the collection.
You can — and should! — watch this kitsch-tacular instructional film from the 1960s, in which Vincent Price guides Sears Roebuck employees through the art he’s selected for sale in this collection.
The collection had works by artists like Rembrandt, Chagall, Whistler, Picasso and Reginald Pollack.
But not all were the big names in Art with a capital ‘A’ as they are today. And that’s sort of the point of all of this.
Sears-Roebuck had already established a history in selling art; they’d been selling art as early as 1895. But as America entered the 1960’s, the do-it-yourself hobby mentality clashed with this new-fangled art movement called Modern Art. Of the art buying public (i.e. older folks with money to invest), few understood Modern Art; some never accepted it. But most all were intimidated by it… What would be a good investment or at least not be an embarrassing purchase?
Americans who were interested in art had several problems: Knowing what to buy, knowing who to trust to buy it from, and access to purchasing it.
Vincent Price’s role was that of popular art expert; and Sears was the trusted retail outlet you could trust, who brought art to locations throughout America — and at prices folks could afford.
Did it work? You bet! According to Sears, artworks ranged in price from $10 to $3,000 (and customers could also purchase items on an installment plan for as little as $5 down and $5 a month), and that between 1962 when the collection began and its end in 1971, Sears & Price moved over 50,000 pieces of fine art through about a dozen physical locations and Sears catalogs.
Vincent Price’s personal art collection was donated to East Los Angeles College’s Vincent Price Art Museum (VPAM).
The nude art work is part of the American and European Paintings Auction, March 12, 2009 at Cowan’s Auctions.
Puppies, Kittens & Vampires, Oh My!
We humans want, crave, unconditional love and acceptance — but we’re pretty unrealistic in the terms. Our highest heights of female romantic fantasy too-often focus on Bad Boys. You know, those hard men with elements of danger — not that they’d ever hurt us! Oh, the intoxicating power of what could crush, but doesn’t.
It makes us puppy putty in their hands.
These big strong men could hurt us, but they won’t. We’re the one good thing in their lives, the Good Woman who truly know that beneath that rough exterior of the Bad Boy lies a tragic side — their true tender side — that only we hold the key to unlocking…
We’re the kittens in their big strong man-hands…
We tame the Bad Boy, leashing the unleashable wild child & binding him to us.
As women, we can’t help but see ‘the potential’ in these men. We see behind the swagger, to the hidden wounds; behind the drug addiction, an artist or profoundly brilliant man who suffers; behind the womanizer, a man who has been so injured in the past, he fears to really try again… And we can heal him if we love him enough. No matter how big the challenge, the obstacles.
In fact, the bigger the challenge, the larger the danger, the least understood or accepted he is, the more romantic the relationship becomes.
The ultimate pinnacle in Bad Boys are vampires and other supernatural creatures. Not only are they dangerous and misunderstood, the big strong Bad Boy arms we want to swoon into, but there is no larger a separation than between living and dead, making these men the most unobtainable of all.
The notion of vampires and other immortals who live forever, doomed through their isolation and loneliness to never quite consummate the real physical thrust of human connection, is the exaggerated dramatization of the isolation and loneliness — the fear of unrequited love — we all wish to overcome. Even if that romantic love cannot be consummated. This is the popularity of un-dead men in television shows & films, such as Angel, Moonlight and Twilight.
In some ways, I find this more disturbing and potentially damaging than the unrealistic media images of romantic comedies for it teaches women self-sacrificing denial. Not just in physical pleasure, but in tolerating distasteful and reprehensible acts for the sake of love; real love doesn’t ask you to tolerate violence because he’s just bound by different morals than you are. Women already are asked this stuff too often — and too often they comply, making room for danger in their relationships
But supposing you can separate fantasy from reality, intelligently enjoy fiction and not tolerate unpleasant friction, then by all means, consume such things. And if you’re a real fan of Twilight, perhaps you’d like to enter this contest.
Of Platonic Friendships, Jealousy & Tunics
Growing up, my dad often expressed the fact that men were always looking for sex.
When you just hung out with a boy, he’d outright ask — or at least those eyebrows would, “Did he make a move on you?”
When you laughed out loud that Steve was sooo not that kind of guy, dad said, “Oh, yes he is.”
And when you argued your case, illustrating just exactly how Steve never did make a move of any kind, even when you were literally crying on his shoulder about how some jerk guy had treated you, dad would reply, “Oh, he’s one of them tunics then.”
“Tunics” was the word he used because once, in struggling to recall the word “eunuch“, his mouth mistakenly said “tunic”. We never let him forget it either, so the word “tunic” became synonymous with “eunuch” — and you can imagine our laughter in the 70’s when fashion sported the tunic and there was much flowery talk, including of freedom, used to sell it.
Anyway, dad used the word “tunic” to describe platonic situations.
He just couldn’t understand how any man — even one who respected you — would be able to restrain himself from stealing a kiss or at least giving you one of those long romantic looks which would turn a girl’s belly to goo and let her know that romance was in the air…
Dad’s point was that everyman was looking for romance & sex — unless he was physically unable to perform it. So if Steve wanted to spend time with you, but did not make a move at all, there must have been something literally, physically preventing him from it.
It’s not that dad was a letch — he was, and remains, one helluva a romantic, intelligent and sensitive man. To him, spending time with a woman was about all a man needed to do to feel amorous — especially a single guy whose ultimate love was still waiting for him out there somewhere. Any girl could be The One — or at least a lot of fun.
He even told me about a time when my sister and I were little girls and we went to the mall with him. He spotted a pretty young woman with her own child in a stroller, and he and that woman shared a moment. Their eyes locked briefly, they each noted the other’s children and presumed marital status, then locked eyes again & smiled, as if to say that if they had met in another place and time…
Even happily married people with no intentions weren’t sexually or romantically dead; so why, dad reasoned, would an available guy do the time with an available girl if he wasn’t wanting to do the deed?
Dad was not a whistling wolf. He did not appear as a cartoon sex predator. Yet he said men were always ready and looking… It was confusing, but I had to believe him. Sometimes he was right too. But does that mean that there are no such things as platonic friendships between heterosexual men and women?
CNN recently posed the question in a recent article titled Should your wife have guy-friends? According to recent data, platonic relationships do occur:
Some 83 percent of the people surveyed think that cross-gender friendships can and do exist, according to a 2001 Match.com poll of more than 1,500 members. And a 2006 study by Canada’s Public Health Agency of nearly 10,000 Canadian children shows that they often start early, with 65 percent of boys and 60 percent of girls declaring three or more close opposite-sex friends by grade 10.
But as many of you with such opposite-sex friendships know, they aren’t always accepted — especially by your romantic partners and lovers who just don’t understand:
Jealousy over an opposite-sex friendship can be the result of projection, says Dr. Bonnie Jacobson, a New York City clinical psychologist and author of “Love Triangles: Seven Steps to Break the Secret Ties That Poison Love.”
“People project onto another person something they would do,” Jacobson says. “If Tom says to Sally, ‘I don’t want you to hang out with Harry,’ it’s very likely Tom feels he would violate that boundary [if he were in the same situation], so he imagines his wife will, too.”
I know this is true; I’ve seen it acted out. But what about the guys, like my dad, who really just don’t get it? Not because they are projecting, not because they are jealous jerks, but just because the concept is so foreign to them?
Well, keep those lines of communication open. Listen to his concerns, his point of view, but reassure him too by explaining how it works for you. Other advice from that CNN article includes the following reality checks:
• Be honest. “Never lie about the time you spend with your friend,” Sabatini says. “If you don’t feel comfortable telling your husband you’re going to hang out, then maybe he has a reason to worry.”
• Socialize as a group. “Spend time with both your significant other and your friend,” Sabatini says. “And acknowledge your love for your spouse in front of your friend.”
It’s 1936: How Badly Do You Want To Be In Moving Pictures?
So you want to be a glamorous Hollywood star, hmm? Well, it’s time to get beautiful, baby!
Have a few extra pounds, but exercise is leaving you without your pep? Did dieting only take the weight off of your face and neck, leaving you feeling irritable and looking like a scarecrow? Did diet pills take too much weight off, leaving you without your feminine curves? What’s a woman to do?!
Well, if it was 1936, you’d have The Roving Reporter to help you. But then, she’d be stuffing you into a girdle. Like a sausage maybe even.
Apparently it takes a long time to get you into this girdle; you have 10 days to lose 3 inches — or is that 3 pounds in 10 days? The ad states both… Maybe that’s the way around the money-back offer; confusion.
The good news is that the Perfolastic Girdle also massages you. I can’t imagine how… Damn, now I can’t stop imagining it. Ack!
Meanwhile, as your nether-regions sweat it out, your hair is breezing through life.
In that same 1936 issue of True Confessions, an ad for the “Air-Conditioned” Hollywood Rapid Dry Curler:
Hollywood stars like Jane Hamilton fawn over these curlers — likely that’s what they used to set their hair (while sitting in girdles), preparing for a chance to get in the movies. Which is exactly what the next ad from this vintage magazine is about.
Hey, little girl, step into my truck and I’ll make you a star!
Super Bonus Points for the talent truck to be sponsored by The Hump Hairpin Mfg. Co. (makers of Hold-Bob bobbypins).
My mom would totally kick my ass if I went near that truck.
Jane West: The Movable Cowgirl
I have a mild interest in the Johnny West toys by Louis Marx & Co.. Like so many retro toys, it’s really rare to find them with their original boxes; so when I saw Jane West with her box in a display case at a local antique mall I had to take a closer look…
Is it just me, or does the wording on the box, “Jane West The Movable Cowgirl” and “She Will Pose For You 1001 Different Ways”, sound erotic?
Hubby says it’s just that Marx marketed their toys differently than most. They weren’t dolls and they weren’t action figures. What he said next rather removed them from the toys category too: “If Marx were making things today, they’d be seen as made for the collector market.” So, if they aren’t for kids to play with, they’re adult toys.
Which intriguingly brings me back to Jane “posing for me” in 1001 ways…
Johnny West may have been a fighter, but he was a lover too. At least my Johnny was (and I couldn’t have been the only one doing this) so I know from personal experience of playing with Jane and Johnny that many of the poses were most unnatural. So many joints on Jane provide a flexibility that Jenna Jameson would envy.
Maybe that’s why there were so few female figures made by Marx… If you’ve got one bendy cow girl willing to pose for you in so many ways, why bother with another? Sure her face wasn’t real pretty, but how many of the poses meant you actually had to look at it?
Besides, one bendy chick — with blonde hair yet! — was already luring too many of those Indians.
No Retro Cat Masks For The Wicked
Writing about Breakfast At Tiffany’s got me thinking about the cool retro cat mask Audrey Hepburn wears…
The mask is so iconic that you’d think someone would be making these now; but the closest I could find was this pink glitter child’s party mask and this Pink Persian Cat Mask.
Valentine’s Day Dating & Relationship Tips
Thirteen Thoughts About (& Some Gift Suggestions For) Valentine’s Day
For The Single:
1 Do remember your friends! It’s still fun to send & receive Valentines — even if they are silly, they are sweet.
2 Don’t be bitter -and go ahead, buy yourself something you want. Not to cheer yourself up, but to treat yourself. Hey, if you don’t express self love or think you’re worth treating special, who will?
(And don’t ask me to suggest things for you — you should know you. If you don’t, you are light-years away from being ready for a relationship.)
For The Bitterly Single
I told you not to be bitter; but if that ship has sailed…
3 Do try to get over it. It’s one day. And while you’re working for One Day, don’t overlook what today & this moment has for you. See: For The Single above.
4 Do try to have fun with friends — those single or or not. Have fun, enjoy yourself! But…
5 Don’t go to bars or parties if you’re feeling angry &/or desperate. (It shows and never ends well. Plus you’ll embarrass your friends and that’s not cool.)
Unless…
It’s a party just for the bitterly single. You folks can eat gummy hearts (writing your own wicked sentiments on the gift box — that’s half the fun!) and poke pins in a red Voodoo doll.
Do not, under any circumstances, give such things to even your best friend unless you too are single; like the ‘N’ word, those in relationships do not get to make such jokes.
6 Don’t call and ex. Don’t even kid yourself that you’re just friends, that it’s perfectly fine for you to go out as buddies, because even if you make it past the phone call (and he doesn’t reject you for the crazy desperate chick you are), you’ll either be doing #5 &/or end up as fuck buddies for the night.
And let’s face it, that only results in A) being in a relationship that already has been deemed wrong for you, B) with one of you over-the-moon for the other & all dreamy-eyed waiting by the phone the rest of the weekend, C) one of you thinking the other is a cheap & easy lay, ready for any 3 A.M. booty call, D) any combination of the above.
Just skip all that.
For Those Dating
7 Do get him or her a card, send an ecard or whatnot, depending upon your relationship.
8 Don’t send a card that says, “I Love You!” unless you’ve already spoken those words to one another.
9 Do get a gift — a nice, not a joke, gift — and only if you are celebrating the holiday together. Do not go overboard.
10 Don’t give inappropriate gifts. Like if you haven’t had sex with her yet, don’t give her lingerie. It’s too loaded with expectations. Even if you’ve had sex, but this holiday is early in your relationship, avoid such cliché gifts which express a (hopeful) question or (rude) assumption rather than sentiment. A middle of the road gift idea which says, “I love — and lust — you!” is a pretty pair of panties in a box with perfume, jewelry, &/or a book she’s wanted… Something that expresses interest in more than just her bod.
Chicks, you typically make the mistake of going overboard in your gift giving; it’s equally inappropriate. Presenting him with something too extravagant is one part projection (it’s the extravagant gesture you want him to make) and one part presumption (that marriage is the next step, or this is The First Gift Of The Rest Of Your Lives). Don’t make him feel guilty &/or pressured with gifts; they’re to be nice, thoughtful and fun. For many of you this will mean spending a third (or less!) than the price of that ‘perfect’ item you instinctively thought of — or already bought. (If you already bought something ridiculously expensive, take it back now.)
For Married People Or Those Otherwise Deeply Committed
11 Do give a card and a gift. One is not a replacement for the other.
12 Do make it memorable. Here’s an excellent idea:
If you’re married or otherwise sure she’s The One, a really nice romantic touch is to also give her a (archival quality) scrapbook to store this card and all future cards in. Do this right, and you probably won’t need to have another gift. Write a little note inside, telling her that this is a scrapbook of your love… From now on, all your cards to one another shall be properly placed inside it; ephemeral proof of your lasting love that shall live on as proof for future generations. *dreamy sigh*
Yes, we love cheesy stuff like this; and no, you don’t need to tell all your macho pals. She’ll probably do that part for you anyway. *wink*
13 Don’t get your partner something that suggests work. Not even ‘from the kids’. No one wants a gift that says, “Fix my car, monkey-wrench boy!” or, “Make me some heart-shaped eggs, bitch!”
Now go forth and make with the merry, not the faux pas.
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The Verrry Interesting Laugh-In Lunch Box
Growing up, Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In was on too late for me to stay up & watch; it began airing in 1968 when I was just four. But hearing my parents talk about the show, I wanted to see it in the worst way. So eventually my whining bore fruit; mom sent me to bed with my younger sister, but as she tucked me in she whispered in my ear, “Just pretend to sleep — I’ll come back and sneak you out past your sleeping sister before the show starts.” I was so excited!
But that must have been too much excitement for me because mother found me passed-out, sound asleep, when she came back for me — but my little sis was awake and she got to watch the show! Drat! Just another reason for a little girl to dislike her little sister.
As the show ran until 1973, I eventually grew old enough to stay up and watch it — not that I understood most of it. Laugh-In was a show built on political humor and sexual innuendo; not something your average kid knows. Well, I understood enough to know there was naughty stuff… and most of the cultural comments were even further over my head. But Arte Johnson was wacky enough for me to genuinely giggle at.
All of this came flooding back when I spotted this old Laugh-In lunch box at a local antique mall this past weekend.
It was a delight to spot — but I carefully replaced it up on it’s lofty spot on a shelf when I spotted the $125 price tag. (Which, apparently, is not out of the norm for such retro Laugh-In lunch boxes.)
But what really makes this find noteworthy is the fact that Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In was not a television show for kids — so why make kids’ lunch boxes?
I mean kids didn’t understand the show — and by the time they would have, wouldn’t they be too old for lunch boxes with thermoses? I can imagine the beating 16 year olds took for toting mom’s PB&J in a lunch box.
So just who were these lunch boxes with “Sock it to me” on them marketed to? Kids who, like me, wanted to watch the show because their parents thought it was cool? Parents, who wanted their kids to look cool?
Well, it seems to me that in the late 60’s to early 70’s parents didn’t push their kids to look like mini-adults like they do today… And while there weren’t the same judgments & finger pointing at parents for kids having risqué knowledge (hey, back then we kids traveled in cars without seat belts, even riding on those backseat ‘shelves’ under the rear windows, and we kept our parents company in taverns without any finger or tongue wagging), parents hadn’t yet given into the permissiveness of letting the children dictate to them, especially about adult things. We sat in taverns because parents wanted to go, we rode in the car that way because no laws yet forbade it, and we got Disney and Muppet stuff because we were kids.
It was just that sort of upbringing which makes me covet such a lunch box. It’s familiar & nostalgic, but it was never mine because I was too young — now that I’m older, I want it bad.
Red Velvet From Head To Toe
I have a weakness for red velvet — it may not be kitschy, but when you wear so much of it, you run the risk of looking like a flocked Valentine. Not that I care.
Wrap yourself (and whatever’s not covered in red velvet) up in this red velvet cloak by Von Lancelot — it’s not vintage, but who cares when it’s this much red velvet!
Now for the tip of your toes… Well, almost — these vintage 1940’s red velvet HiLarks have peep toes! So get out the red polish, I feel a pedicure comin’ on!
Send Mixtape Messages
Looking for the perfect Valentine’s Day trinket for the one who makes you mixed tapes? Check out these marvelous engraved audio cassette tape cufflinks made of pink mirror acrylic with silver-toned cufflink mountings, by Crimson King.
Just be sure they have the proper shirts for wearing cufflinks.
The Science Behind My Personal Seduction
I finally was able to get in to take that questionnaire regarding Friday night’s Science of Seduction show (the show must have been popular because I had a heck of a time logging in and getting the question pages to load — most frustrating).
First of all, I should say that like many such quizzes, I was frustrated by the all or nothing options for reply; why can’t they offer that middle road option of “neither A or B” or “I don’t feel strongly about any option”. And the language/phrasing is sort of ridiculous — “I laugh with my partner ‘Always'”?! Even when he’s sad? I don’t think that’s a real option. Fully aware that these absolutes, no matter how silly &/or frustrating, allow for easier computations, I proceeded. But I just had to vent (and perhaps warn those of you who feel likewise about such things).
Now onwards, to the results…
While watching the show, my first instincts were that I would be a Director — or at least have strong enough Director tendencies to warrant them appearing in my results. But maybe that was Old Me; I’ve surely changed over the years. (Which too brings up the subject that we do change, and so what does that say about biology? It must be more fluid than fixed, right?) Anyway, I did not receive any Director notes in my findings.
Instead I’m an Explorer with a side dish of Negotiator.
OK, so I totally can see myself as a combination between Angelina Jolie and Bill Clinton. And I’m guessing both of them figured they’d have some Director results too.
Since I’m not dating, but happily married, the only way I could really attempt to evaluate this scientific belief system was to get the husband involved. So I make him take the test when he returned home from work.
The husband was deemed Primarily a Builder, with secondary Director traits. Because he is even more jaded about such personality tests than I am (and had not seen the show, so he thought we were suppose to match in our findings), his response to hearing my results was to jokingly say, “So we’re going to divorce?”
I told him then that Builders are to fit with other Builders, Explorers with other Explorers, and that Directors and Negotiators are to fit together well. His reply was the sardonic, “So we’ll only get a quarter of a divorce then.” I’m not sure that math is right (I’m thinking it’s half non-matching); but at least his reaction was similar to mine: We are not doomed no matter what these quiz things say.
In reflecting upon our likelihood of relationship success based upon biological anthropologist Helen Fisher’s theory, I’m not exactly convinced.
Not only do I remain skeptical about the findings (I still feel I am a Director of sorts; and the husband’s Director status leaves me puzzled, frankly), but I don’t think the theory is any more sound than astrology — or Myers-Briggs. Maybe that’s a part of my non-conformist Explorer self.
But should the science be more accurate than my faith in it, I do think there are things to learn here.
For example, the husband is far more traditional that I; it’s something that rears it’s argumentative head from time to time when we approach problems and plan activities. And maybe that Director thing — even my thinking I am one — is part of our troubles in final decisions; I sometimes do feel that my solution is less accepted because I’m more intuitive, even in my logic (I don’t have flip charts to present to him). So I can see where a couple could use this information to negotiate problems. Such information could prove useful when navigating problems — if you can use the science to remove the “personally” from “personality” and thereby feel less judged. Then maybe you can relax in the knowledge that your partner’s traits are their traits; not a sign that you’re wrong.
Of course you’ll still have to deal with your differences.
For those dating, knowing more about yourself and the kind of persons more likely to suit your type can help spare you some heartache.
20/20’s The Science of Seduction: Why Him, Why Her?
Live blogging 20/20’s show The Science of Seduction: Why Him, Why Her?
When I first heard about the show, which is sort of based upon biological anthropologist Helen Fisher’s book Why Him, Why Her? — a book which claims there are personality types — I thought, “Well here’s another form of astrology.” I won’t say I hate astrology; those daily things suck, but the general overviews are slightly informative. Then there’s Chinese astrology etc. So maybe these are some basic bits of information on personality, but what about personal experiences? I know far more women who are happily married to ‘men just like their dads’ then perfect astrology matches.
But after hearing of the research and science behind, I’m more intrigued…
I don’t think we are any more trapped by biology than we are the stars or family patterns. However, I think I want to check out this book and see if it is perhaps yet another layer — another framework among several. And when you lay each over the other, you end up with a complicated, yet far more accurate image of how we seek , who we find, and what we end up with.
Part of the television program also included being ‘damaged’ or insecure regarding relationships based on former experiences, opting to show professional matchmakers as a means to find love, or at least meet people. It wasn’t very helpful as far as remedies to your fragile belief in dating & relationships, but there was something very informative in this segment. The matchmaker said, “Many people say they want love, but aren’t ready for love.” I found that to be the most important part of that segment. It was too bad that 20/20 edited it to look as if the matchmaker was defensively using this as an excuse for not having perfect performance.
On the flip side, 20/20 erred in the next segment their aired. It was on arranged marriages, and rather than focusing on the wisdom provided by the expert who mentioned that a huge key in the success of Indian arranged marriages was the ceremony which clearly put an emphasis on the investment of both the bride & groom’s families and their communities to make such marriages work; 20/20 ended the segment with the small percentage rate of divorces in India, leaving out the plethora of cultural differences which can also account for such disparity. Leaving that as the last word, rather than the insight into total family & community commitment to the couple’s success, left me lingering on more negative, less helpful facts.
Second to that, were the damning statements about love as depicted in song and film (something covered in that study I’m participating in).
Ah, so at the end, the expert, Helen Fisher, does agree with me that love & romance are far more complicated than it sounded at the beginning. *wink*
I’m off to take the questionnaire to see “what I am” — and I think I’ll make the husband do it to. Then I’ll have more to say.
In The Cards: Seven Of Spades
The Seven of Spades described in rhyme from Fortune-Telling by Cards, by Professor P. R. S. Foli:
Now as the seven comes to hand,
It does entitle you to land;
But maids with this shall wed with those
That have no money, friends, or clothes.
Lucky in cards, unlucky in love card via Flickr.
How To Get Her To Wear Lingerie
I received an email from Gary, who presumably didn’t have all his holiday wishes come true — and is working ahead for Valentine’s Day:
I’m wondering what you think is the best way to get your girl to wear sexy lingerie. I buy her expensive made-to-measure corsets and stockings and yet they remain in their boxes or tucked away in her drawers rather than worn. How do I get her to wear it?
I had my own ideas, but I wanted to be sure I didn’t miss anything — so I contacted my friend, Slip of a Girl, in chat. This is a cut & paste of that conversation, with a few typos cleaned up.
Slip of a Girl: Well, let’s believe that he has avoided most (if not all) of the lingerie gift giving pitfalls, like it’s the right size and that he should be giving her lingerie in the first place (there’s plenty of advice on that at my blog), and look at the proper gift-giving attitude.
Me: Yeah, the first thing I thought of was how she may feel that there was no way that sexy lingerie was going to fit with him being a monkey on her back naggin’ her about it! If/when a woman feels pressured to do something, well, that’s a sure way to get her to refuse.
Slip: True! And it the gift feels more like a gift for him — that she’s to do something for him, rather than him treating her — well, that’s grounds for a fight more than anything else. But much of that is in the presentation, and if she kept the gifts without chucking them or him, then likely he’s passed that part. *wink*
Me: Right, so what we’re talking about her could very well be an image or self-esteem issue.
Slip: Exactly. And there’s no one-size-fits-all booster for that.
Me: Well, I actually think there is… Not that we can give a word-by-word cheat-sheet, but I think the key is to seduce her into wanting to wear the lingerie by letting her know how much it means to him, giving very detailed descriptions of his fantasy of her wearing that lingerie.
Slip: I see where you’re going! I know nothing would get me hotter than my hubby describing me to me!
Me: I know! And the key is that he has to stick to the subject of her — not some fantasy woman in his head, a former lover in his bed, or, probably worst of all, some centerfold or model. Otherwise she’ll start comparing herself and the insecurities will enter again.
Slip: Absolutely — he needs to describe exactly what it is about seeing her in that lingerie.
So, Gary, if you’re imagining her shoulders, the curve of her back, her breasts swelling at the top of the corset, her bare thighs at the top of those stockings, then tell her. Women love the sound of a male voice in their ear, whispering sweet somethings. Depending upon your relationship and your fantasies, remind her of past intimate times the two of you have had and how the lingerie inspires more of the same — or better! *wink*
This way it’s not all about you, but what she’ll get — a continuing gift for her.
Just stay away from anything — anyone — that she could compare herself too. No other babes; not real ones, not those drawn in comic books, or conjured up in your mind. Just make it all about her and how you went out and got her that corset and stockings because you had to see her in them.
Such glorious details of how you see her and fantasize about her will work for any lingerie — and darn near any fantasy you have.
And ladies, this works for men too — so, if you want him to wear or try something new, tell him all about it.
Neither A Poser Nor A Cosmo Reader Be
If you trust Cosmo — and by now you shouldn’t — let me tell you to utterly ignore their “fun & fearless” advice to meet a new guy at a Super Bowl party.
Not only will you be hated for being a football-wanna-be (the reason most real football fans watch the game at home) but you’re dooming yourself to either A) a relationship life in which you must continue to watch football and other sports you don’t like or B) be found out for the poser you are; neither of which is a good thing.
If you really do give a hoot about the Super Bowl, you’d be going already and wouldn’t need Cosmo to tell you it’s a good idea to put on a team-logoed shirt and stand near a similarly dressed male.
In The Cards: Three Of Diamonds
Another card described in rhyme from Fortune-Telling by Cards, by Professor P. R. S. Foli: the Three of Diamonds:
You that have drawn the number three
Great honour will your fortune be;
But if a female draw the same,
She must beware of fickle shame.
Card from Flickr.
Dear Cosmo, I Hate You; And I’m Pretty Sure You Hate Me Too
Cosmo, you claim to be a magazine for women, but with your featured headlines screaming “What Sex Feels Like For Guys: Once You Know the Key Arousal Triggers, You Can Double His Satisfaction” I know who it is you really serve. And it isn’t me.
Honestly, do you really think women need pressure to perform for men — or any partner? Make no mistake: That’s what you are saying when you want us to focus on the satisfaction of others. It’s not like women have a long rich history of selfishness; on the contrary, ours is a history of selflessness. So when your cover also screams “Get More Pleasure: The Secret to Savoring Every Moment” I know it isn’t going to include my sexual pleasure. (It doesn’t. And, as I wrote before, Cosmo doesn’t exactly want us to find pleasure in our naughty dreams either.) It’s clear that you, Cosmo, believe my sexual satisfaction is unimportant, a distant third to pleasing him and capturing him (which is really about pleasing him anyway).
No, I’m so not over this Cosmo issue; and you can’t make me stop ranting about it. Cosmo, with its pandering to men under the guise of female liberation, is actually so misogynistic that it is dangerous. And people need to know.